Friday, November 8, 2019

1,520 days: Overwhelm.

It is 8:49am.

Everyone is still asleep... I have my "happy light" shining into my peripheral vision, and my vitamins and medicine sitting next to me as a reminder to eat something before taking the kids to therapy. I can't take my medicine on an empty stomach--even if I don't really feel like eating....

It's been a while since I've blogged. But this morning I woke up in such heavy confusion and panic that I needed a place to let it out...to be heard...to see the chaos in words. It's not like a whining or complaining thing. It's not a self pity thing...the writing just makes it feel less like a figment of my imagination. It makes it "real" to me, and easier to assess--I guess.

I've been wondering lately why exactly I made this big move. I wanted the big beautiful house. I wanted the thrill of a new place. I wanted mountains and the mma gym and a new start. I wanted help. I wanted good things for my children. I wanted peace. I wanted so many things, and perhaps the one thing I have learned about moving to uncharted territory is that moving doesn't solve anything if the conflict is within.

I am struggling so much with emotion and brain function lately. To be calm and to show up for my family is about all I can manage without falling apart--and to be fair, I don't always do that so well.

I got a message from a friend the other day that reminded me to "be still." And I know there is some importance to being still- but it is when I am still that I feel like the whole world is falling apart because I am not doing enough-- or I am not making enough money-- or I am not writing enough-- or I am not changing the world in massive ways --or I am not helping or I am not seeing the things I want to see-- or I am not doing the things I wanted to do-- or I am not giving my children all I wanted to give them.

Being still is really friggen hard for me. And being here, in this new place, with no clue what I am doing, is more of a stand still than choosing to be still. I can't run from myself.

As I learn more about PTSD I am learning more about some of the choices I have made. It scares me how much my brain has changed and how little I have had control over it. It is a very helpless feeling to know that not only I struggle with this, but my children do too.

I am trying to be a good mom and take them to the therapist and make sure they have the help they need, but this week alone, I have been at the doctor's or therapist's office tuesday-friday. I can't even remember monday at this point.

Making art has been good/bad for me. I struggle with focus and fear of not being good enough--even when I am pretty good at what I do, and am aware that I have talents that I should be thankful for. There is also the fear of wasting time on something that could potentially not make any money or won't support my family. That stress is not coming from anyone other than me--but I feel it so deeply.

I've thought many times that I had the answer, that I knew what would save us, or what would change things for the better--and being here has taught me how little I actually know. And it's not the physical place, like there is nothing wrong with this house or the area we are in--it's actually quite beautiful. It's being in the unfamiliar, the quiet, the lost space that I am having a hard time with.

I find myself longing for Orlando a lot lately, but knowing that the cost of living is so high there that it would just be another obstacle. I also hate myself for running away from it when I did, but I am learning that it was avoidance that I was seeking. Avoidance from the job and the life that I felt took my son away from me.

Last night I had a dream about moving there again. There was a "one month free" rental and some how we got approved and had just enough to get by. I remember feeling excited in the dream but also scared and guilty for giving up on having a house, having a trampoline, having a yard, having a cul de sac--having the American "dream home."

"Maybe we are not meant to be normal," my mind is racing now as I feel overwhelmed by the chaos that is swirling in my head, "What is the right thing to do?" "What would make my family most happy?"

My kids want to see California...and Hawaii... we are closer here...but we are barely making it so the cost of the trip would just drown us. I was naive and made them the promise that being closer would mean we could make those trips..and now I feel obligated to make them happen before and IF we decided to move again. We haven't really talked about it--moving....

I have 2 Christmas markets to prepare for, maybe a miracle will occur...maybe. I just feel like time is slipping away....

I don't know what I am doing...

I think that is the biggest struggle within. I don't know what I want or what to do. I do not have a straight track mind. I do not have focus or drive towards just one thing. My mind is always everywhere with endless possibilities. It's one of those, "it's a curse and a blessing," things.

Deep breaths... I have to get the kids up and ready for therapy so we can leave soon.

Sending love. Thanks for reading.

Go change the world. Do it for Elijah.

Thanks.

~Kelly


Oh Elijah.
I feel like time is just slipping away--
or it is standing still.
I am so lost.
I am so overwhelmed.
Nothing seems to make sense without you.
I miss you so much.
I love you more.
Always.
<3 









Friday, May 24, 2019

1352: Thank you

It is 10:37pm.

Today we went to a large waterfall, had a picnic by a stream, and ate ice cream overlooking the mountains.

We are so truly blessed to have such amazing family who provides us with these beautiful memories. It has truly been an amazing day and I am so thankful.

Time for some rest. Please send love, my head is pounding and I think it's because I have been trying to cut back on soda. I'd like to be free of sodas and energy drinks in my system by our big move... I guess the overall goal is to be more healthy and make better choices so I can lose some of this weight, and live a more active lifestyle.

Ok, for real...time for some rest....

Sending you guys all lots of love.

Go change the world. Do it for Elijah.

Thank you


I wrote your name in the sand today.
I made your name with rocks and sticks on the rocks.
You are always with us.
You are a part of this family.
I love you and miss you so much.
Always.
<3

Thursday, May 23, 2019

1351: Georgia

It is 10:42pm.

Just a little note to let you know we are alive and in Georgia...

Sending you all lots of love.

Go change the world. Do it for Elijah.

Thank you



I love you sweet boy.
So so so so much.
Always
<3 

Wednesday, May 22, 2019

1350: Alive

It is 6:01pm.

I am in Natchitoches again, but only for a night. I have been so busy this last week, but also have had many blessings and opportunities to enjoy life.

I haven't been able to posts my acts of kindness for Elijah, but no worries, each day I still kept my promise to him and an act of kindness was still done.

So much is happening between now and the big move, so my blogging might be here and there...

Next up, we are off to Georgia to visit more family.

Sending you guys all lots of love!

Go change the world. Do it for Elijah.

Thank you


I love you I love you I love you
Always.
<3 

Thursday, May 16, 2019

1344: Beautiful Day

It is 10:06pm.

It's been a beautiful day. I spent most of it painting, and then I got to hang out with my amazing momma. But now I am super tired and have to get up early tomorrow, so I'm going to bed.

Send me love and prayers for good and safe travels tomorrow! I am off to Austin for the weekend. I'm not sure if I will be able to blog or not, but I am so excited and thankful for this experience. I am going to be the photographer for Spiritual Boss Babe retreat 2019 <3

Sending you all lots of love.

Go change the world. Do it for Elijah.

Thank you


I love you I love you I love you.
You are are my sweet boogie.
Always.
<3



Wednesday, May 15, 2019

1343: Hospital

It is 8:00pm.

I'm at my mom's apartment. She had a routine procedure this morning and needed someone to drive her, so I came to help out. Everything is fine, and it is nice to spend some time with my mom before we move.

I've been trying to draw/paint a special painting all afternoon and just had to throw it away because I screwed it up...lol. So I am a little agitated. Also, I am super tired because I drove here really late last night and had to get up really early this morning, so I might just go to bed and work on it again tomorrow while my mom is at work.

Sleep sounds good.

Tomorrow I will also try to squeeze in another art blog. I need to stay on top of that.

Sending you guys all lots of love <3

Go change the world. Do it for Elijah.

Thank you


Oh sweet boy...
I had to go to the hospital you were born in this morning.
It was a bittersweet experience.
Your birth was such a happy experience.
I remember being so scared to deliver naturally,
but then when it was all over
I felt so amazing...
and then they placed you in my arms and my heart sore.
You completed our family.
And now we feel so incomplete without you.
I love you I love you I love you.
Always.
<3 

Tuesday, May 14, 2019

1342: Doing....

It is 1:16pm.

Gabe had a dentist appointment this morning that literally took ALL morning. Poor thing. He had to be sedated a bit. He did really well during the procedure, but right now he is knocked out and I feel like he will be asleep for a while. Send him some love. I'm sure he is going to wake up in pain.

I just finished feeding myself and other kids, and am just taking a small breather before I finish packing up the bus and start cleaning it.

I am headed to my mom's tonight and Levi and the kids are going to spend some time with his Grandmother.

I really want to crawl in bed next to Gabe and take a nap right now, but I seriously have too much to do.

I guess I should start doing...

Sending you all lots of love. Go change the world. Do it for Elijah.

Thank you



I love you I love you I love you.
And then I love you some more.
Always.
<3 

1,520 days: Overwhelm.

It is 8:49am. Everyone is still asleep... I have my "happy light" shining into my  peripheral  vision, and my vitamins and medic...