And now he Is no longer with us.
My heart is hurting in ways I have never known. There is no pleading with death and it can be quite cruel.
I want to throw things and break stuff. I want to scream at the top of my lungs that things are not fair. But I am too weak and heartbroken to do any of these things.
Everyone keeps saying hes gone to be with Jesus, and thats even what I told my other boys but I want to know why. I have suffered enough. The one and only thing I felt right about in my life was being their mom and now I have failed in the biggest way. My baby boy is gone.
I kept thinking I would have time. I would have time to spend with him after I spent it with his brother. I would have time after I figured out a way to go part time at work. I would have time because of some stupid reason somehow or another.
I miss him so much right now.
Its not fair.
It will never be fair.
Nothing anyone has to say makes any sense to me.
No bible quote, no "it will get better."
I want to believe in God and heaven for Elijah, so that he his life can carry on and maybe I will get to hold him again some day. But my heart is heavy and cold right now and I have received the signs I have asked for, so I am so lost.
Weather my faith is strong or not, I need yours to be. Please keepnpraying for my beautiful baby. Pray that he forgives us. Pray that he has founf peace. Pray that he knows we love him and would give anything to have him back. Pray for a miracle. Just pray
I love you Elijah and I am so sorry.
Kelly you have every right to feel as much anger and hurt and whatever else as your weakened body can contain. You are experiencing an unimaginable horror and shock. I am glad you are blogging and facebooking. I know other bloggers who have written their grief out after a death ripped open their heart. The burden is huge but maybe keeping in contact by writing can make feel you less alone. I really dont know, I just wish I could help you, and I know others do too. This is so unfair and gigantic. Remember, you don't have to explain but please continue to write to express your grief if you feel inclined to do so. It may even help others. I plan to do good things in Elijah's name. I know that nothing anyone says can alleviate the hurt and regret you feel but you are an amazing mother and Elijah was surrounded by love his whole life. I send love your way. I know it must be difficult to communicate right now, but at anytime if there is ever anything i can do please let me know. just take care of you the best you can, one second at a time.
ReplyDeleteShawna
shawna.atkins@gmail.com
your original news came up on my news feed my heart breaks for you I will say a special prayer at mass sunday. all your feelings and emotions are there to work as a coping mechanism. Continue to post on f/B and here it will help you express your grief rather than it all getting pent up. lean on your husband and boys and extended family for support. take small steps, no one will expect you to take giant leaps. cry when you need to laugh when you need to. hugs x
ReplyDeletePlatitudes and scripture quotes can grate against the nerves during this kind of heartbreak. Scripture only works when your heart is ready and open to receive the message, and right now, I'm thinking you don't want to be anywhere near God because he gave you this beautiful gift and then took it away. There's no "talking you down" from that place.
ReplyDeleteJust know that strangers across the country are united with you in your sorrow.