Nausea has become the new norm for my stomach. Losing Elijah has not only taken its toll on my heart, my body seems to be feeling it as well.
Last night there were no dreams, but I woke up thinking about him and how i use to constantly check him when he was sleeping, paranoid that something would happen.
It justsucks that he not here.
It sucks when you have to think of your son through sunflowers and kindness, instead of holding him and kissing his little face.
It sucks that he never got to see the fireworks that we honored him with at his memorial last night.
It sucks that we have to go to a funeral home today to sign paperwork and still have not heard anything from the medical examiner.
It sucks that I actually have friends out there who havent said one single word to me sjnce all this happened when all I need right now is to know that people care about Elijah and care that he is not here with me today.
I hate to be so mad. I know its part of it. Its "normal."
What would have been more normal would have been to have my baby waking upmfor his bottle this morning and me going to work and my kids going to school. And us all laughing and fussing with each other before bedtime tonight. That would be normal.
Ughhhhh.
I want my baby.
I miss him.
I need him
I love him
Last night was his memorial. I will blog about later when im not so angry. When I can say nice things.
Right now just find time to say prayers for my family members who are returning home today.
Pray for me and levi because its about to get very lonely and very real.
Pray for the Alexander, Julien and Gabriel. That they have a beautiful and safe life ahead of them.
And always pray for Elijah.
I love you sweet boy. Mom and dad miss you soo much.
i have been following you ever since your first post last week when someone from the TMSM Nation replied to your original post. It wasnt just by chance it popped up on my news feed, it was meant to happen, so the power of prayer could reach you from distant shores, such as here in the UK.
ReplyDeleteI feel as if I know you and your family well, you are a amazing person, I read your Blog where you visited 20 states and did acts of kindness with your husband and children, you are fantastic parents, what wonderful values to teach your children. I have been praying for you and your family, and by you posting updates it means prayers are for a friend in need rather than a stranger. I thought you were so strong to post the pictures of Elijahs memorial tribute at MK last night. That shows that God is there supporting you. I dont have the right words or pretend to understand how you are feeling, but i just want to tell you that you are being thought of often and prayers being offered. xx
Keep going, Kelly. Speak the truth. The pictures from the memorial are beautiful. I saw yellow sunflowers on my way to work and thought of Elijah and your family. I am trying to think of what things I want to do to honor him and you all. I have some ideas, I think I will know it when it comes to me. I know we only knew each other a short time but you were one of my favorite people and I was inspired by you as I followed you online through the years. I am sorry you have people you have not heard from. That seems so cruel after such a tragedy. Also personally, I want scream at the medical examiner bc why can't they let you know something yet? but that isn't my place. Take care as best you can - shawna
ReplyDeleteI posted a comment earlier this morning but for some reason I didn't go threw. It's your cousin Theresa, I wish it would have went threw because i'm probably not able to get the words right again. First of all I have been following your blogs and your twitter feed since last Thursday, really trying to figure out what to say, I guess when something like this happens there are no words, or words that you have heard from people over and over again. I'm still not sure what to say but since you called us out I will write and at least tell you that I'm sorry and you have been in my prayers, and that you are really inspirational to me, with all the good you do for people even if that means you go without. I wish I could be more like you. You are such a light and i'm not sure why god had this planned for you and there will never be any answer why. But you have to keep your light going. it will seem like this hurt will never go away ,and it wont but it will get better, and you have to keep doing what your doing, because that's what Elijah would want you to do, and do it in his name. just keep strong, I wish I was there for a shoulder to cry on and always know we are here for you if you need any of us.
ReplyDeleteLove Theresa
I saw the pictures for Elijah's memorial. It was beautiful and I think you did a wonderful job honoring him. When I saw the fireworks, I lost it. To be honest, I'm losing it again right now just thinking about it.
ReplyDeleteLife is raw. And full of nerve endings. And I'm so sorry.
Keeping you in prayer and Elijah on my heart.