Loving can hurt...but its the only thing I know

It's 1:49 and I am sitting in the social security office somewhere in Orlando.

I am sorrounded by children and babies and I thought it Ij nwould make my heart sink,  but it hasnt yet. I am trying to find peace. Trying to remain hopeful for Elijah. And I am mostly trying to try not to channel all my anger and sadness to other people right now. Its not their fault.

Im probably going to be here a while.  They are on ticket 778 and I am ticket 118. There was no way to book an appointment.

Today we had to check out of the hotel we were staying at. The last place I held Elijah. Its been hard.

For those of you who are new to my life and my blog, or just didnt know, we have been trying to get our credit right and make other efforts to buy a home for our family and thought by now we would be there, but as we have learned,  life does not go as planned.

This is not to make you feel bad about us, I just felt I needed to explain so that you know why we were in a hotel.

Anyways, today has just been an emotional day.

I have had lots of people share their stories of kindness with me on my facebook page and my heart is very thankful. We are doing everything we can to keepnour baby boy's legacy alive in love and kindness, the way he lived his short life.

Here are just two of the stories I can access photos of from my phone because I posted them as instagram photos.

One day I guess I will learn to use this phone. Idk.

Yesterday we went to the mall to get Julien some new shoes and my anxiety was high almost the entire time. Its hard to explain how much missing someone can literally make you physically hurt.

My tattoo has brought me comfort. I kiss it whenever I think about him and I place it across my heart for comfort.

He is with me. I know it. But I miss kissing his little face and making him smile.

I feel like I am just a big fat rambling mess right now.

I have tried to listen to the radio in short splurts today. I heard Ed Sheeren's song "photograph"  and just lost it. Someone actually sent it to me in a message to me the other day and I just couldn't open it, but hearing it was strangely heartbreaking and comforting at the same time.

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/edsheeran/photograph.html

After a little while of trying the radio I pulled out every CD i had looking for my Jimmy Eat World CD to listen to "hear you me"

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/jimmyeatworld/hearyoume.html

I miss you little man. My "boogey"  You were such a good baby and you are always 

in my heart. I wish you were here with me, but i will continue to find you in music, and whatever other little signs you can find to send me and let me know you are at peace. I love you.