I have slept a lot yesterday and last night because its an escape. But I wake up feeling guilty as all hell.
I ate like 5 crackers yesterday because my stomach is still churning and I dont eant to enjoy food yet.
I laughed once yesterday and it hurt.
I dont know how to talk to my husband becausr he wants answers to questions I will never be able to answer.
I went from posting happy and positive quotes all over Facebook to becoming the most depressing person alive.
Knowing people are doing nice things in Elijahs name helps but then I also feel guilty for using my dead babys name to spread my platform.
It just sucks.
I want to remember happy moments but all i can think of giving cpr to his lifeless little body and hearing the little sqeeks of air escaping his nose. It makes me feel.so helpless. I just want to hold him.
Then there is the sick side of me that already wants another baby. Not to replace Elijah, because nothing ever will, but so I can have another shot.
I feel so empty without him. I miss his smile. I miss his fussing. I miss him so much.
How am I supposed to adjust to this? How is it right to move on?
I want to pray but I am so angry at God right now for letting this happen. So I ask other people to pray because I know Elijah needs it, and I know that we need it too.
Elijah, you were perfect. And your dad and I miss you and will always miss you. I love you soo much. Please forgive me.
It truly doesn't seem like you are using Elijah to spread your platform bc your kindness mission is so needed in this cruel bizarre terrifying beautiful world. You are transforming a horror into some kind of goodness. I feel honored to be able to do something kind in his name. But I think your mind is going to cover every possibility in a quest for answers and to try to make sense of it.....Bc it's so hard and senseless. I keep thinking about you, I know your life is forever changed. Just breath in and out.
ReplyDeleteThank you
DeleteIt's ok to be angry at God. Let him have it! Your story has broken my heart and I'm angry at him for you. Prayers don't always have to be sweet little words tied up in a bow. Prayer can be telling God just what you think of him for taking Elijah away. Sometimes, prayer is just weeping and letting your spirit speak the words that you can't find.
ReplyDeleteBe angry. Go into your car and just scream at him and let it out. He's the one who did this, so tell him to fix it.
I'm praying on your behalf, always. From one mother to another.