your own my heart just like a tattoo

Its 1:39am. I woke up to the sound of my husband punching his weight ball thing. I have no idea what its called, but I was somewhat relieved to hear it.

It means hes healing a little bit.

Yesterday was so emotionally crazy.

I tried to let my best friend who drove 12 hours to see me bring me to get some blue jeans because I currently dont own a pair of pants and I have to make arrangements this week. We drove to the outlets and parked. Before we could leave the parking lot I had a panic attack and started crying and feeling like i couldn't breathe.  I tried to throw up but all I could do was dry heave. We had to go back to the hotel.

I got back and spent some time with levi and we cried together.  It was just too much for me so I told him I needed to get up and walk around.

We founf his mom and my son Julien at the checkers at old town and then Julien told us he wanted to show us the games he saw.

As we were walking with him, trying to keep it together,  Levi paused infront of a tattoo parlor. I asked if he wanted one and he said yes so I took him inside and paid for it. Julien really just wanted to play so I messaged my friend laurel to walk alex over from the hotel and got them both some tokens. I walked around with Julien and he was so excited about playing the games and reading how many tokens went in each machine. I tried to pay a punching ballgame but it was broken. I wanted to be happy for him but my heart was still hurting and I couldn't breathe.  I am not handling things very well physically right now.

Levi came back with his tattoo and I told him I wanted one too. I needed to feel like Elijah would always be there with me.

We sent the kids to a magic show with Laurel and I went and wrote his name and dates on a paper and then got it tattoo'd on my right wrist, where I could always see it.

It was a huge relief.

I sat on a bench with levi waiting for the boys to be done with the magic show.

He asked me if I wanted to move back home to be with family.

I told him I thought about it but Alex and Julien were really happy with their school and I didn't feel right about uprooting them again.

We both agreed it would be best to stay here even if it gets hard.

Levi talked the first time  again about wanting to train to be an mma fighter and fight in Elijahs name. I cant tell you how proud I was of him for mentioning his dreams again.

I was feeling stronger, but still sad.

We decided to spend some more time with the family that is here and we ordered Chinese take out and all sat together in one hotel room and I even managed to eat a few small pieces of chicken. But the only thing I wanted to do was hold a bouncing baby on my lap.

Gabriel climbed into my lap and was talking to me and noticed my tattoo.  He asked me what it said and I told him it was Elijahs name. He then started saying things l just like "Elijah is crying" and "elijah is gone." And then came the downward spiral.

I cried and troed not to cry and felt sick and realised that in a few days all these people are going to be gone and its going to get very lonely. So I told levi I needed to go take a bath and go to bed.

Ive slept pretty ok.  Like I said its an escape.

But everytime I wake up I think about him.

I ask him all the time to forgive me and I tell him I love him so much.

I miss him. I always will. And it just seems so unfair to move forward, but I am proud of levi for trying right now.

I want to do something great in Elijahs name too, I just dont know what yet. But mostly I just want my baby back.

Please keep praying.

I miss him so much and just want to hold him and hear him coo at me. I want to see his smile. He smiled so easy.  It was beautiful.

My heart is for ever broken.