I just heard myself say, "Julien Daniel, leave your brother alone. Eat your cheezits and go to bed."
My gosh-- has it ever been a day?
I kept Julien home today because both his eyes are swollen and pink.
On Tuesdays Gabriel and I always go and check The Love, Elijah Project post office box in hopes that someone has sent us a letter. Then we go to the library to check out books. Usually if Gabriel is good and the weather is nice, I bring him to the playground...so today we tried to do all of this, and add Julien into the mix.
Now the thing is, Gabriel by himself is fine.
Julien by himself is fine.
Julien and Gabriel together--not fine.
Julien and Gabriel together with an emotional wreck of a bereaved mother---totally not fine.
The library was a little bit of a mess, but manageable.
The playground however, ended up being a nightmare.
For all the efforts I put into kindness, you think my kids would be kind little angels--but please don't be fooled. Even the mighty fall; and nobody's kids are perfect.
Anyways, as the kids played, I got preoccupied by a very lengthy application I was filling out on my phone for some assistance programs that could benefit my family.
I guess I got so zoned in, I didn't notice my boys getting water from the water fountain, keeping it in their mouths and then running over and spitting it all over the equipment.
It was only after a mother complained to her mother about her kids pants being wet, that I found out.
To be really honest. It was only after that mom told her kids they had to leave the playground--that I really realized it was probably my kids fault.
Instead of jumping to conclusions--I asked.
I asked Julien if he had spit all the water on the playground, to which he responded "yes."
I was mortified. I was furious. I was embarrassed.
It was time to leave.
So we did--and we went home and they took naps. They missed MMA class and stayed at home with dad while I brought Alex. And then after naps, they ate dinner, read and then went back to bed.
Plus, they are not allowed to play on their tablets for the whole week.
Oh momma at the playground--if somehow you have found this post--I am so so sorry. I am sorry for my kids behavior. I am sorry that it probably stressed you out. I am sorry if I put a damper on your plans.
I cannot begin to explain how sorry I am.
I can promise you that we are all using this as a lesson, and hopefully it is not something that will happen again.
Sometimes I let my grief and anxiety take over, and sometimes I zone out. Sometimes the only release my kids have is running and screaming at the playground. But sometimes, I have to own their bad behavior too...and this time I am.
Again, I am so so sorry, and I hope that you found a way to turn your day around and enjoyed the sunshine with your adorable daughters. Each day is truly a gift, even with annoying moments like these.
(Needless to say...there was a lot of complaining today...)
I think Elijah must have known I was in full breakdown mode today, because I found a heart in the sky as Alex and I were walking to MMA class.
Also, I heard one of our songs on the radio, and the girl in front of me at Public was buying sunflowers <3
He is the best baby ever--as Julien would say.
My act of kindness in memory of Elijah today was to donate proceeds from my children's book The Kind Knight to the organization Together We Rise. They are a terrific charity that works with children and parents who are participating in the US Foster Care program. Check them out at: www.togetherwerise.org
Oh sweet boy,
thank you so much for visiting me again in my dreams last night!
I remember making you smile and how it melted my heart.
I am tearing up just thinking about it now.
I hate that it is the only way we get to see each other,
but I do love that you still make time for your momma.
Every time I see a baby I think of you.
I miss you my baby.
I love you my boogie.
<3
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