446: Dream Boy

It is 7:37pm.

Julien and Gabriel are in the tub playing.

I have been doing really good about getting them bathed earlier in the evening but Julien decided Tonight that he wanted to use his new book about telling time and I couldn't say no to that. I love it when they are excited to learn.

I am giving them a few extra minutes to play together as I sit here on my phone and try to get this awful feeling I have been feeling all day out by blogging.

I have been having lots of dream triggers lately.
They are making it very hard to breath. Bit I have been pushing through.

Maybe it is the holidays? Idk.

It might also be because I have been reading about another Angel mom I know who just found out she is pregnant. And as much as I am so happy for her...for some reason it is a mental trigger for my post traumatic stress...

Imagine that...being happy for someone and at the same time wondering if you need to hide them from your Facebook feed so that you can breathe.

This is hell my friends.

Other people's happiness should not make me feel this way.

I hate it. And I hate admitting it because I don't want anyone to think that they make me feel a certain way because it is not their fault...it isn't even really my fault...it is just a stupid trigger..one that I am trying my hardest to get past.

Anyways, the dream.

So last night I dreamed (btw some of you might find this graphic) that I was sitting on the toilet and I passed what they call a bloody show...you usually do this sometime right before a baby is born.

I remember calling out to Levi but not really panicking about it.

Then I remember seeing the babies head coming out and somehow I just delivered it one push.

It was a boy.

But I was afraid it was dead because I delivered it myself until it made some really faint cries.

And then I remember just calling for Levi over and over again and no one could hear me.

I was scared and alone with this baby and no one knew about us.

It was so vivid and it has been on my mind all day.

We don't have any plans to have any more children. After Elijah's passing I just can't handle it emotionally.

I don't know what these dreams mean.

I just wish they didn't shake me so.

Anyways...

The kids have had too much playtime in the tub now and it is time to get them to bed.

Please keep praying. Pray for our world.Pray for my family. Pray for me. And always always pray for my sweet Elijah.

Thank you.

Oh sweet boy.

I miss you so much.

I would love to not have these worries.

I would much rather be worried about Your silly head driving me crazy like your brothers.

I miss you so so so much.

Love you always.

<3