After a long and stressful day, I am so happy to report that my little ones went to sleep tonight very quickly and without any argument.
It was a HUGE relief that I very much needed lol.
Sometimes, I am not the gleeful cheerful person I would love to be. Sometimes I still wake up with a fit of rage radiating in my chest and a bought of anxiety on my shoulders.
While I have come so far after losing Elijah, my body and mind have lots of healing left to do.
And even when I know these moments are happening for me, that does not mean everyone else does... so they will say things like, "I wish you would loosen up." or "I wish you would smile more."
Sometimes I can swallow it like a painful pill and just put it away inside of me, hoping that it doesn't come back to regurgitate into some terrible pain later.
Sometimes I snap.
Sometimes it takes a whole day before the pain will melt away and I feel normal again.
Sometimes I am not the person I would like to be.
But this is the person I am.
I am broken. I am scared. I am holding a world of pain and grief the best I can and trying to do it (sometimes) with a smile.
I am not perfect.
I am not always strong.
Even with all that being said,
I CAN AND I WILL MAKE IT.
I will get this school bus finished and out of my dad's yard and on the road. Not "a long time from now"--but soon.
I will find my place in this world and make a difference, even if it is through a small steady stream of kindness done with great love.
I will be proud of the person I am because I have overcome so much, and I will continue to remind myself that I don't need other's approval.
And I will do all of this because of Elijah.
I will do it for Alex, Julien and Gabriel who look up to me everyday for guidance and love.
I will do it because of a husband who supports my wild and crazy ways and loves even the unlovable parts of me.
I will do it because most of all I love myself--flaws and all.
I am a little rigid and defensive, and for all that I have shared with the world, there is so much more I have not...
But, I am doing the best I can and I am proud of that.
Before I leave, I wanted to share a beautiful moment that happened to me this morning as I was sitting in front of my computer about to lose all hope.
The kids had brought our cat "Catty" into the school bus, and she decided to walk across my keyboard. Somehow, she started my itunes (which I hardly ever use), and skipped all the way to "Photograph" by Ed Sheeran.
Everyone went quiet, and I just started bawling. This song is one of my songs for Elijah, and the kids know this. All of them stopped what they were doing and hugged me.
And that was the only song to play...until later when she turned it on to play "you and I" by Jason Mraz...another song that makes me think of Elijah.
It was a nice moment, and much needed. Just thought I would share.
Hope you all had a great weekend. Love you all.
Please keep praying of our world. Pray for our country. Pray for my family. Pray for me. Pray for you! And always always pray for my sweet Elijah.
Thank you.
"We keep this love in a photograph
We made these memories for ourselves
Where our eyes are never closing
Hearts are never broken
And time's forever frozen still
So you can keep me
Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans
Holding me closer 'til our eyes meet
You won't ever be alone, wait for me to come home"
I love you Elijah.
I miss you so much.
Always.
<3
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