I am wide awake again...okay, maybe a little bit wide than awake lol. That didn't make any sense at all....okay. I am tired. Lol. I am awake though because I am terrible at making plans and shoving everything into the end of the day. I've gotta stop doing that to myself. Tomorrow we are leaving for Arkansas to get a way for a while, and for whatever reason I told myself I needed to have everything packed and ready to go tonight. Sometimes we just have to accept that our expectations do more harm than good. I am not going to get everything packed tonight, as much as I would love more than anything to not have to do it all while the kids are awake and excited.
I need rest, I need to relax. I need to remind myself that this trip is partly for me to let go of a lot of negative energy and try to reconnect with my children and find what is important. There is no rush to that. So no, I don't have a timeline. I won't be overstaying my welcome, and this is not a "forever flee," but there is something in me that just needs the space and time away. Time to be free to be me without any real expectations or pressure. No disappointments. No judgements. Just my best self doing the best she can.
If I am going to talk the talk, then I need to walk the walk. I am important and it is time I start treating myself that way.
The kids are excited too. We are going to spend lots of time in nature and in the water. It will be good for all of us.
Anyways, I could write a novel on all of this, but I need to at least put my clothes in the dryer and pick up a little bit. I can finish packing in the morning.
Today was Alex's 15th birthday. There is really no way to convey how much I love this kid and love being his mom. He is truly my best friend and makes me laugh daily. He has a good heart and he is just adored by everyone. I pray that his heart stays pure and that he finds that it is okay to be the good guy. I pray that he loves himself first and in that, he will find the friendships and relationships he will benefit from the most. I could go on with all these sappy little notes, but time is flying by. I can't believe I've already had these 15 years of being his mom. What a beautiful gift. I am so very thankful.
Thank you Alex for being my son and making me a mom. Happy birthday. I love you so much and am so proud of you. You are going to do such great things <3 I trust you.
Good night everyone. Time to put the clothes in the dryer, take a quick bath, and just let what happens happen. I love you all.
Go change the world. Do it for Elijah.
Thank you.
Send some love down to your biggest brother for his birthday!
And watch over us all on our journey!
I love and miss you so much.
Wish you were here.
Always
<3
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