I am in a brain fog. It is hot and I am covered in poison ivy. And if I am being completely honest--I am not happy here. I am just not happy here.
I am seeing less and less of my husband, and he is working himself into the ground just trying to get by, when he should be fully concentrated on his MMA training. I have tried everything short of putting myself in a job that will cause me physical pain to make money myself, but have not made enough to do much of anything, or even to pursue the dreams I have for myself and my family. (and for all of you "get a job" people out there...I have applied to some jobs, but I also have children who can't even make it through summer camp, and I am not ready to leave them with someone for an 8 hour shift when I know exactly how overwhelming they can be sometimes).
When I bought this bus I promised my children we would travel, which was a promise that replaced the previous promise of a house during the midst of our homelessness. I just feel like I am in a chain of broken promises and I am rotting here. I am not living to my full potential because I am stagnant.
I hate breaking promises to my children over and over again. They are worthy of the house and the trip to Hawaii, and while I know there is still some time, I can't help but feel like I have also wasted a ton of time here as well. I have only 1/2 way achieved anything I have set out to do because I keep meeting these financial walls or mental and physical walls that I can't seem to climb. And I'm not asking for pity..I know this is my responsibility to get myself out of this mess...but that doesn't make the task seem less daunting in this very moment.
I am committed to being a life coach, but what good is my coaching if I am not doing anything really inspirational or motivational? Like, right now--I am confident in my knowledge and in my abilities to help people, but I am not confident in my ability to sell myself because my life is a big fat mess.
I even tried to sit down and write a new book the other day, but I just felt so uninspired. It is really depressing.
It's time to move on...but I don't know how.
Leaving for Arkansas felt amazing the other day. I know leaving for Texas for Camp Cullin this weekend will feel amazing again...and the next week we go to Georgia to see Levi's family. But all of this is only temporary, and then it is back to my reality which is that I feel like I have no real direction or means to permanently get away, and find a home where all my family can live together again.
2 years ago I felt empowered enough by myself to walk across America to try and raise the money for a home. Today, I wish I could get back to that girl and tell her to just do it. Quit worrying so much about the naysayers or what people have to say about what you are doing with your life. Why do you care so much about what they have to say? Why do you think that you can't do this?
I'm not saying that walking across the country is the answer. I'm not saying it isn't the answer either. I am just saying how did I go from being so strong, to being where I am now. I literally thought I could walk across the whole entire country. Now, I am sitting here wondering what I need to do with myself, because I am bringing no real value to my family and it kind of sucks.
Hopefully this is just a passing funk. And who knows maybe I will find that Kelly again. I have been working on it. She is in there somewhere. I just can't give up--no matter how much I really feel like it is sometimes.
Alright, I'm done being a whiney brat. I need to work on this retreat and getting myself to a better place.
Sending you all lots of love.
Go change the world. Do it for Elijah.
Thank you.
I miss you so much Elijah.
I feel like I am losing stamina.
Losing impact.
I won't ever give up on this for you.
I will always spread kindness for you.
I am just so tired today.
I hope you know that I have tried
to change the world for you.
I love you.
Always.
<3
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