Sometimes we do things we regret. Sometimes we hurt people we love. Sometimes we ruin our diets and eat muffins and drink Dr. Pepper and have pity parties for ourselves when really we should be focusing on how we should make the situation better. So today I picked up the guitar.
Not that I think I can sing my problems away, but because I need some kind of outlet for all the emotions swirling around in me. I also spent more quality time with my kids this morning than I have in a while. I am kind of lost where to start to make things better. I've taken medicine and that helps some, but makes my body feel miserable. I am going to run later this evening, which I hope will help some. But a lot of it, is deep inside me. I am self sabotaging. I have been for as long as I can remember. When things get good, I seem to find a way to tear them down.
It's almost like a belief system deep within me that doesn't think I deserve love or happiness. Some of this I think I can contribute to past traumas, some of it to mental illness that runs in my family, but most of it is in my control, and I have to learn to do better...to be better.
I haven't been myself lately. I've been on edge and moody. I have been having fits of rage and paranoia. My self doubt is heavy. Today is not much different and it's definitely not better. I am having a hard time fighting it. Lots of guilt. Lots of hurt. I just want to lay down and do nothing, but I am pushing myself anyways, because I am tired of being miserable.
It's really strange to try and be inspirational when you feel like your boat is sinking. I want nothing more than to be honest, authentic and happy. And what I post is what I believe. However, sometimes my emotions take over and get the best of me. I'm not fake, I'm just struggling.
I don't really know where I'm going with this. But if I have hurt you in the past, present, or if I hurt you in the future I am truly sorry. I want to be better. I want to make you feel good about yourself. I want to feel good about the way I treat people.
I'm not always a good person. Please don't think that I am perfect. I am far from it. I have a lot of love in my heart. It's my mind that is kind of a mess. I plan to go to counseling again, along with working with some other people that might be able to help. I don't know. I just felt like I needed to say that I'm not perfect, Sometimes I make bad choices. I'm human, and I'm sorry.
Sending you lots of love. Please feel free to send it return.
Go change the world. Do it for Elijah.
Thank you.
I am so sorry Elijah.
I should have taken you that morning.
I should have wanted to spend the time with you.
I bought you that key ring because I felt guilty about not taking you.
You never got to use it.
I wasn't there.
I am so so sorry.
I love and miss you always.
<3
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