1221: Goodbye Gary

It is 9:53am

I am sitting at Chickfila in Shreveport listening to the boys play in the playground area. Levi is working. It is a dreary day.

Yesterday our cat Gary died. I am still teary eyed about it. Well I am really more than that. ..

It hurts. It hurts bad.

This morning I pictured her scampering through the yard with her cute little trot and her meowing at me because she wanted to come inside and cuddle on the bed. She was such a friendly little cat. And fierce. She didn't take any crap from any other animal. She was tough, and her meow sounded like a cat with a smoker's rasps, if that makes sense. She was the sweetest to me and the boys, and she adored Levi.

Last time a pet of mine died suddenly I planned a big trip to the grand canyon. It was something I always wanted to do and his death was just another reminder that you never know when your life is going to come to an end....

Today I don't even have the urge to look up a vacation because I am broke and tired. It is such a low feeling. I want to honor her, I just don't know how right now.

I tried to paint a picture of her last night, but I couldn't finish it. I painted her smiling and it just didn't seem right...even though she was a happy cat...she was gone.

And now I am crying in the middle of a restaurant....

I don't know how I am going to handle the rest of my life knowing that everyone I love will eventually die...some before me..and I will have to carry more and more grief...

It's not like tiny pebbles adding up, it's like stones that I carry on my back everyday...and they don't make me stronger...they just get heavier.

I'm not trying to be all melancholy or what have you... it's just the truth. Death exhausts me. Grief is kicking my ass. I am just tired.

Maybe I will muster up enough gumption to look at expedia today, even if it is just dreaming. But to be honest, my drive is pretty low today.

Send lots of love and prayers please. I need them.

And go change the world. Do it for Elijah.

Thank you.

I know you never met Gary on Earth.

But I have this feeling you would have loved her.

You would have been a cat person like your dad.

I just feel it.

Tell Gary I love her and I'm sorry.

I miss both of you so much.

I love you more.

Always.

<3