Today was a busy day of moving to get another hotel, which is fine. Don't start to freak out about my family staying in hotels right now. We are very close to where we need to be to get a house and all that really matters to me right now is that we stick together.
Tonight I had to go to a short parents meeting at Julien and Alex's school. They were showing us how to do binomials and trinomials in Montessori method and Alex's teacher stopped mid sentence when she noticed me sitting there and came and gave me a hug in front of everyone.
Their school has been super supportive of our family and I am so happy the kids are happy there.
On the way out to the car the "principal" stopped me to talk to me and see how I was doing. She said she wasn't sure if she should because she didn't know if I was ready to talk, but she herself had lost a child and so had her sister so she understood if I needed the space.
It is a weird bond, being around others who have lost a loved one.
None of us are tHe same, but each of us hurt deeply and are able to empathise with each other...and in a weird way I think it's beautiful.
It sucks. Oh God does it suck. I would never wish this Hell on anyone, but it surely makes you a different person. And you feel things more deeply.
Death unfortunately is everywhere. And I find out daily of others who share my struggle.
My only advice to anyone who is going through hell is to be honest with others and yourself about how you are feeling. Write things down. And keep moving forward.
Almost forgot, today Julien asked if we could donate books to his school. So I gave each kid a book to bring to their classroom. Each in loving memory of Elijah.
The teachers were very thankful and asked if I could read to the students. In not 100% sure if I'm ready, but I know My kids would love it so I agreed to it.
I'm a bit on edge tonight and missing Elijah very much so. I realize that I haven't really talked to the boys about all this and it needs to be done.
This morning on the way to school "picture" by ed sheeran came on the radio and I cried quietly. I caught Alex watching me and he teared up a little too.
I know he misses Elijah too. He was such a good big brother to him.
Also, Gabriel makes sounds mimicking noises Elijah use to make, and I think he doesn't really understands yet that Elijah is not coming back.
They all miss him. We all miss him.
Today, and forgive me if I sound silly, Gabriel found a stuffed puppy dog in one of those "toy crain" games, and I want to believe so badly it was a gift from Elijah. We didn't put in any quarters, he didn't move any levers, but for some reason he reached in to the prize slot and found that puppy.
So believe what you want to, but I think Elijah loved his brothers and somehow sent that puppy to Gabriel as a present.
Elijah, I wish there was a way to fix everything and have you with me again. Gabriel will always be your big brother. He misses you so much and tries to act just like you. I remember you just looking at him and smiling. I remember him asking to hold you and then saying you were too big. I remember how happy you made all of us. I love you.
I am really glad the kids are in Montessori school. I'm so surprised (and thankful) how kind and understanding the teachers and principal are. i know people who have struggled with really mean school officials during hard times and I'm so glad you don't have too. Seriously your family has enough right now. Hopefully the school will be beneficial for the boys and help them cope. I surely believe little signs of love are everywhere- even a stuffed puppy for a little boy. Elijah's love is always with y'all in little coincidences like this and bigger ways as well. <3
ReplyDeleteMy mother received several little messages after her mother died, too. She too would say "it may seem silly but..." Well, I don't think it is silly at all. I say "coincidence" but I supposed that's not the right word. "A deliberate angel's loving hand disguised as coincidence" is better :)
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