A Deal with the Devil. (a dream)

It is 12:48 pm.

I am sitting here listening to Gabriel and Julien (my middle children) play and laugh over silly things.

Levi just left with Alex to go visit a friend.

Before he left, he told me about a dream he had last night.

He said in the dream he visited the Devil and asked to make a deal. Levi asked to trade his life for Elijah's life. The devil agreed but only if he could take Alex too.

Then Levi woke up.

Ughh...really?

I mean it is just a dream, and I would not want any of these trades, even as much as I want Elijah back; But why are we allowed to have such horrible dreams after such a horrible tragedy?

I don't know if we were supposed to learn something from it...other than the obvious "don't make deals with the Devil."

None of my children's lives matter more than the other... And losing one to gain the other would never make me feel better.

Anyways, last night was the first night I forgot to grab Elijah's blanket to hold while I slept. I know the blanket is not Elijah...but it doesn't stop me from feeling horribly guilty. I was just exhausted.

And today I found a house that we could possibly rent but I don't think there is anyway we will pass the application process because we don't really have the greatest rental history, nor do I have the income level that they want you to have. So right now I am debating whether to submit it or not...because could possibly be $80 down the drain if I don't get approved, and I can't afford that right now.

I almost just want to give up and not go back... Even though I have no idea what I would do here and the kids would have to leave their school.

It is just an overwhelming mess of a day.

Just pray.

Elijah, 

I know you are watching over us,

But I wish you were here with us.

I read about visions and angels today.

I have always been afraid of stuff like that...I don't know why, I don't think an angel would hurt me, but it just makes me wonder where your angel was the day you passed. Why did they allow you to leave me? I am sure heaven is lovely and I want your happiness to be eternal, how could I not? But it doesn't mean that I didn't want to share a life with you here on earth. We could have been happy together here too. 

I miss you so much my boogie. I am sorry I didn't grab your blanket last night. At least you were still near me on the rocking chair. 

Talk to the angels and tell them your brothers need their guidance and protection. 

Watch over us.

We miss you so much.

I love you my boogie. 

<3