pros and cons

It is 12:05pm.

I am sitting on the couch waiting for the mousse I made to cool.

Today I have not been very strong. Today has been one of the harder "bad" days.

I am just tired and anxious about having to leave to go back to Florida tomorrow.

And of course.. I am missing Elijah.

Last night I got a message from my dad inviting me to move back home...

I also had a dream about putting an application in for this house in Florida.

https://kwparks.appfolio.com/listings/listings/86267afa-4c02-4b18-91cc-b4d1ba0a375c/show_mobile

So of course this morning I woke up conflicted as to what to do...because I really need that in my life right now.

So I made a pros and cons list of everything I could think of at that moment.

Here is what I came up with:

Pros of staying in Orlando:
Kids school
Levi's mma training
Last place i held Elijah
Disney
Sea world
Places to volunteer
Big place...lots of space to just be me
Would be a great place for my love, Elijah museum and support center.


Cons of staying in orlando:
Expensive
Work takes over all my time
Lots of cool things to do but no time or money to do them
Not enough money even when I work really hard.
Far away from family.
No place to live and almost impossible to rent


Pros of moving back "home":
Close to family
Free housing
More time
Could save money and travel more
Closer to my best friend
Could just stay there until I have raised enough money to open my love, Elijah museum and support center

Cons of moving back home:
No montessouri school for kids.
No scholarships for private schools
Not zoned for good public schools.
No mma training for Levi
Have never felt like I belong there
Don't have any clue as to how I would make money
I don't think it would be the best place for my love, Elijah museum and support center...and if I get stuck there, it is likely I will never open it


And now here I am stuck. Not knowing what to do but knowing that Christmas is coming soon and I don't want to be stuck in a hotel room with the kids. They deserve better.

Ugh...

I don't know how I ever got myself into this mess.

I just miss my sweet little Elijah and wish I could have him back. I would live in a cardboard box if I could just have him back.

Oh sweet sweet Elijah. None of this is your fault. I want you to know that. I wish I had done better for you ..and for your brothers.

I love you to the moon and back.

You are so very important to me.

I love you my boogie.