Envious

It is 5:50pm.

It feels like it is 3am.

I am so tired from work.

I didn't work a whole lot of hours but I started at 6:15 this morning and I am starting to hit my wall.

I am reading a book called Roses in December and the lady who wrote this book amazes me.

She has lost 3 children and her faith in God is beyond amazing and almost baffling to me.

Sure, I believe in God and I know Elijah is in heaven but the grace she has is just so hard for me to grasp.

Sometimes I am envious of other people's faith in God...but then I have to remember that I have faith too...my relationship with God is just different than theirs.

I find myself envious a lot lately.

Envious of people who still have their baby.

Envious of people who have beautiful homes.

Envious of people who have vacations.

Envious of people who receive more attention for their projects than I do.

Envious of people who have received more attention towards their deceased baby than I have for Elijah.

And then I realize that it is all just misplaced anger.

Yes anger.

I don't need half of these things I just complained about. Most of these things are simply wants.

I read something interesting today that I want to share...

Something I kind of hit me like a sack of bricks.

"It's a kind of scale, i finally reasoned. Every person alive fits somewhere onto a scale of suffering that ranges from little to much.

And it's true. Wherever we happen to be on that scale--that is, however much suffering we have to endure--there are always those below us who suffer more. The problem is we usually like to compare ourselves only with those who suffer less. That way can pity ourselves and pretend we're at the top of the scale. But when we face reality and stand beside those who suffer more, our purple-heart medals don't shine so brightly."

Ouch.

Right?

This was quoted by a woman who lost more than one child...

But I am still in the middle of my crisis. Maybe one day those words won't hurt so much.

Anyways...

I should probably get some rest.

I start work again at 6:15 in the morning.

Keep us in your prayers as tomorrow will be the day our application for the condo gets processed.

Oh my boogie. 

How I miss you so.

I wish there was a way to fix all of this.

I love you so much.