death

It is 10:15pm.

I am sitting in the bathtub trying to decide if I want to wash my hair tonight or get up in the morning to do it....

I worked 11 hours today so I am a little bit tired.

I haven't been to the doctor yet...but will probably go Tuesday if this doesn't clear up.

Looking at the symptoms and the mass amount of stress I have been under...I'm pretty sure it is an ulcer.

I have taken like 500 antacids today and it seems to have helped...but this morning it felt like someone kicked me right below my chest area for a few good hours.

I don't know that people realize how much grief can physically alter you...it is not all just mental.

I feel the pain everywhere from losing Elijah.

It sucks.

Anyways today I read a little part of an article about how some days bereaved mothers just want to die....I have not finished it because I found it while I was about to clock in for work.

Not to get all mopey and crap...or even lead you to think I'm suicidal...cause I am not...but I am very comfortable with the thought of death. Mainly because it is what will reunite me with Elijah.

There are some days where the thoughts of death are more peaceful than others, but I certainly don't fear It like I used to...

My reasons for living a fulfilling life are to leave a legacy for Elijah and to try my best to be an amazing and loving mom to my 3 boys that are still here on earth...

Oh but I sure do miss Elijah...and when the time is right...after a life well lived...I will be more than happy to hopefully reunite with him for eternity...and there will be no more pain.

Until then... I will have to find a way to catch my breathe when I can and look for all the signs he sends me to pull me through.

Everyday is a battle.

Oh my boogie 

I really want to hold you again.

I miss you every single moment.

I just wanted to be your mom.

I just wanted to hold you.

Oh God I just want to hold you.

I love and miss you so much