I am sitting here and I am just in the weirdest mood.
If you could possibly feel all the symptoms of grief at one moment, that is what is happening right now.
I keep glancing over to these sunflowers I bought over a week ago, and I look at them and they are still so beautiful...
The stems in the water are brown though, you can tell they are damaged and won't last much longer.
I feel like these flowers.
I feel like the part of me that the world sees and needs to be "beautiful" is still functioning just enough... but deep underneath...the stems aren't as green as they used to be.
Blah.
I know what is upsetting me, other than Elijah's death and other obvious obstacles in my life, and hopefully in the next few weeks it will all sort itself out. If not, well then, I guess I will deal with that then.
It kills me not to talk about things when they upset me, but for this very situation I have my reasons not to talk--and I want to honor them.
I honestly just want to get through this and receive the turn around that I hope is coming. Because I hope for this relief everyday.
Just pray. Pray for the person who is on the other end of this. Pray for me. Dear God, please pray for my stress levels, because it is affecting my health....just pray!!!
And know it has nothing to do with my husband, kids, or family...they are my rock right now.
WOOOSSSSAHHHHH!
Okay, let's talk about the things I can talk about. The things I did write about today.
Today I submitted two poems and a story to a few different publications.
They are all paid publishing opportunities, but I am more excited about the possibility of having my work published--and each piece was dedicated to Elijah.
Were they my best work? I don't know--with writing, it's not always about being great...it is about provoking emotion, and hoping someone feels enough of what you are feeling to consider it great...if that makes any sense.
I want to share one of the poems I wrote with you now. It's very bittersweet. But I feel like it was my best attempted of remembering the little things about Elijah as time continues to be cruel and keep moving forward...
Elijah
By: Kelly Airhart
Tiny bites of pears.
A blanket made of bubbles.
Cries in the night.
All the warmth of cuddles.
Touch your nose.
Patty cake.
Sweet and sour sauce.
Ice cream.
Tiny feet.
Big smiles.
Little frowns.
Bouncy seat.
Monsters.
Rain on the tin roof.
Granny’s house.
Natural.
Shakes.
Little head.
Big heart.
My boogie.
Oldies in the morning.
Jewel in the evenings.
Batbaby.
Yellow towels.
Pool time.
Kisses on the cheek.
Laughs.
Coos.
Thumb sucking.
Little brother.
Bottles.
Keys.
Your heart.
Mine.
Now gone.
All gone.
Memories.
Sunflowers.
James Taylor.
Linus.
Fireworks.
Kindness.
Photographs.
A life too short.
It is not fair.
I miss you.
I will never forget.
Dedicated to Elijah Cain Eldridge
June 5, 2015- September 10, 2015
Alright, I am going to go take a hot bath and get ready for bed. I have work tomorrow, and I have been staying up way later than I should be....even though I have a sinking suspicion that I will still probably be up a few hours from now wasting time on the internet...lol.
Goodnight everyone. Remember to pray for me. Pray for my family. And always, pray for Elijah.
Elijah tomorrow a few ladies from all over the country have told me
they are going to do acts of kindness just for you.
I am crying tears right now,
and I don't know if they are of joy
because people are doing this for you,
or sadness
because I would much rather be this mom in the picture who is holding you.
Either way, I am so blessed.
I am so blessed that you are being remembered by strangers.
I am so blessed that you are being remembered in kindness.
I am so blessed to just be your mom.
You are one of my biggest blessings ever.
I would do this all again boogie,
even if it had to end the same way.
I miss you and love you so so so so so so so so so so so so so so much.
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