No Control

It is 9:56pm

Blah...

I kind of unloaded on my instagram post about my day earlier...

I had a really crumby dream last night...and it has bummed me out all day.

I dreamed for a little while that I was holding Elijah again...and I knew he was dead. He was that heavy and cold little baby they placed in my arms the last time I got to hold him...but in the dream I was okay with it. I was okay with it because I was able to hold him and he was in my arms.

I guess to someone who has never held their child after they have died, this may sound extremely morbid...but I don't know what I would have done if we never had that moment of saying goodbye to his little body...if I never got to kiss him one more time...if I never got to see his little face again.

But...back to the dream...for some reason, Elijah just suddenly turned into a kangaroo...and while I can imagine you are all thinking WTH??? I can kind of make sense of it all, because a lady I have been speaking with thinks of her brother who she lost in kangaroos...so maybe it was some sort of symbolism that just all got jumbled together in one crazy mess of a dream...

But the really sad part is I woke up in the middle of the night so excited for a moment because in that moment all I could remember was that I saw Elijah in my dream.

I think I even may have said it out loud, "Elijah you were in my dream!"

I'm not quite sure, but I know I thought it and I was super excited for a brief moment to share that dream with him...

But then how quickly that excitement changed to sadness when I remembered that in the dream Elijah was still dead, and that he changed in some crazy kangaroo...and I didn't even get my peaceful moment I thought I had.

You know...living without your child is bad enough...the struggle from day to day is unreal...but these cruel dreams are just some sort of awful punishment, and I don't have any control over whether they come back or not.

I don't know how to make people understand that you can't always control grief and how sometimes it can just come out of nowhere and just consume you...but I guess if you can compare it to nightmares that you can't control...maybe that is a comparison somebody can understand...

Unfortunately, now my life just seems to be filled with both of these things.

Here is hoping for better dreams...or even no dreams tonight....

But the sweetest dreams would always be one with my Elijah in them...preferably a happy smiling Elijah...

Oh sweet boy. I know it is not you who sends the bad dreams... And even if it were, I would love you anyways. Look at that serious little face. You were the most serious little baby I have ever met. I wonder what you are dreaming of in this picture...

I love and miss you in ways you can't even imagine.

Shine down on my boogie. I love you I love you I love you. <3