Today Elijah would be 11 months old.
It was a really hard day, which makes me very scared of what next month holds, considering it should be his first birthday.
Sometimes I don't even know how I make it through the holidays, but this day....this is all about him...and he won't be here for it.
It breaks my heart that I won't be able to hold him, or kiss him, or sing to his little face. I won't be able to spoil him rotten or see him smile. I will only be able to hope I can hold it together enough to find someway to celebrate the little life he did have.
Anyways, I have done enough wallowing for today on Instagram...
I am burned out.
I am tired.
I need sleep...
You were talking to me in this picture. I can see your little mouth trying to make sounds. And it just breaks me that I will never hear that sound again...or not until I reach Heaven....and who knows how long that will be. I just don't understand...people say all the time that God saved them from something horrible, but is that really true? Does God only watch over certain people? And if so, then why not you? And not just why not you...why not every sweet innocent baby whose parents loved more than anything? It is not that I don't believe, or don't trust...I just don't understand and sometimes others don't either. I just want to hold you again and kiss those sweet cheeks. I wish I would have been there more. I wish I didn't take for granted the time I had with you and think I would always have another day. I wish I would have never ever left you. I wish so many things...
I love and miss you so much my boogie. So SO So SO much.
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