462: The Cycle of Heartbreak

It is 10:16pm.

Today I cleaned house and put up clothes....probably my least favorite activities lol.

But the place looks better now and it was nice to hang up our new ginormous stockings and put presents under the tree without having to step over the giant load of laundry in the middle of the living room ;)

Today I have felt good anxiety wise...no physical shakes or pains, and my patience with the kids has been a lot better.

However today another Angel mom I have been following (and adore) announced that she is pregnant with her rainbow baby, and while I was so happy to hear about it, I can't lie when I say that it also tore me down.

(PLEASE know that I am really happy for her and her husband and so excited for them. I wish them the best and I know she is very scared, so please say a prayer for her.)

My heart and my head can't seem to decide what I want when it comes to ever having another child.

Somedays I think I want more...

Most days I feel scared and sad about it....like I don't know if I am ready to take that risk.

Usually when I come to some kind of peaceful void of feelings about it and make my numb to it all, another person announces a pregnancy or has a baby and it just reminds me that I am getting older and there is a very real possibility that I will not have another child--if I decided to.

It is a heart breaking cycle.

I know nothing in this world could ever replace Elijah or make me miss him any less-- I just have no idea how I am supposed to feel about this and I see all these other moms moving forward and being so brave and having their rainbow babies and I feel so pitiful and scared. I feel like I can't do it, even though my body is most likely physically able to do it. And I don't know if that will ever change.

I'm so sorry, I feel like this is totally a selfish blog...

I'll be okay...I just needed to get all of that out of my head.

Anyways, I told the kids I would go get them their book out of the car and read it to them and they are patiently waiting now so I guess I should.

Please keep praying for our world. Pray for my family. Pray for me. And always always pray for my sweet Elijah <3

Thank you.

Hi my little sunflower.

Hi my sweet boy.

Hi my Elijah.

I love and miss you so much. 

We all do.

I promise.

<3