Today has been a roller coaster of emotions.
I was on a high from buying a school bus, and then I had some lows for various reasons involving money (not lack of, just had to open a new bank account and having issues with it already), and then grief and anxiety issues.
I am cleaning houses now to make some money. It is really not bad work at all, and I feel like I am helping people out so it kind of almost feels like a big act of kindness sometimes...just one I get paid for lol.
Today, I cleaned house for an amazing friend of mine, and she has a sweet little boy who is still a baby. And oh my gosh, he is so cute and his pictures everywhere both made me smile and broke my heart at the same time.
I picked up his little bottles and had Alex help bring them to the sink and I felt good because I know that his mom is working hard and has to be tired with an infant to care for so we are helping her out a lot by cleaning up around the house, but then at the same time I wanted to sit in the corner and admit defeat and cry my eyes out because I missed Elijah and even though he wouldn't be using bottles anymore, I wish that I was still picking up his dirty dishes.
I could feel the rage building up inside me, and I ended up coming home in a really bad mood.
After not being the most pleasant person to be around, Levi called me out on it. Eventually I told him that the family I cleaned for had a baby...and then I apologized for being in a bad mood (At least I think I apologized. I can't remember..lol.)
I told him I hate feeling this way, and that I can't live in a bubble forever. I mean, I don't mind cleaning the house, and I am so happy for my friend to have such a beautiful baby...none of this is personal at all... It is just some crazy piece of my broken heart that won't let me function like a "normal" human being....and it is exhausting feeling this way.
Maybe in time, I will get more comfortable around babies. I have been doing better about being able to purchase baby items for donations and such. And today was not the worst reaction I have had to being around infant items. Maybe I am getting more comfortable...I know I am not ready to hold a baby yet...and I am a little worried that I may have issues with this for a long time.
And please know this is not because I don't love babies, or I don't want other people to be happy....I LOVE babies and I want nothing more than other parents to be happy and enjoy their babies.
It is just complicated. And then again, it really isn't.
Losing Elijah has changed so much in me.
Anyways, I am about to go shower and get ready for bed. Tomorrow morning I am going to read one of my books to a friend of mine's pre-k classroom and I am so excited.
Sending you all lots of peaceful and sweet dreams. Love you all!
Please keep praying for our world. Pray for our country. Pray for my family. Pray for me. Pray for you! And always always pray for my sweet Elijah!
Thank you.
Hi sweet boy.
I just delivered a message for you.
You know what it is, and it felt so good to share.
I love and miss you so very much.
Always and forever.
<3
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