607: The Sporadic Failure

It is 9:29pm.

I don't want to say I am stressing over finances right now...lol...but I kind of am.

I mean our bills are being paid... but it seems like it is getting harder and harder to pay them.

I am sure you have noticed that I tend to jump from plan to plan quite frequently.

I have a list of failures about a mile long.

And I am sure there are people who are wondering why I haven't just got a job yet. Why I haven't done this, or I haven't done that...

Well, if you read my blogs you will see how sporadic I really am, and how I am still going through some extreme highs and lows dealing with a pretty traumatic experience.

And to be quite honest, being separated from my kids brings me tremendous anxiety. I am just not ready to go back to shift work yet. I don't know when I will be.

I tried to go back to work after Elijah passed away.

I literally had my dream job. A job lots of people only dream of. But I just couldn't handle it.

Going to work made me physically ill. You guys have no idea how much I loved my work and the people I worked with.

It really had nothing to do with working. It had everything to do with my mental ability to handle being separated from my children while still heavily grieving the loss of Elijah.

I am not opposed to "working" all together. I make money now by cleaning houses because I can bring Alex with me if I need to. And I am only leaving Gabriel and Julien for short periods of time.

I have tried to sell things from home, but I have a hard time dealing with the highs and lows of sales. The no's or the silent periods tend to drown me in depression.

But even with all this being said, we have bills to pay. And today I found out that I have one less house I will be cleaning this summer.

It is nothing personal. The lady is a teacher, and because she will be at home all summer she wants to save the money and clean herself --which I totally understand. She even said we could pick back up in the fall. Like, it really isn't a big deal.... but it will take a toll on my income.

So I am trying to figure it all out. But I am not panicking yet. Because panicking does nothing other than create more stress--which I am trying to avoid.

(And for those of you wondering--well what about your husband? What is he doing? My husband is working his butt off training to become an MMA fighter and coach. And even if it has not brought in a lot of money yet, it keeps him sane. And after the nightmare we have been through he needs his MMA lessons.  And his sanity is more important to me right now than money...even though he is starting to make a little bit of money here and there coaching some.)

And I feel like some of you are reading this and thinking, oh my gosh...when are you guys just going to get over it and move on?

Well sometimes I wonder if I will ever get stronger too-- but sadly, we will never be "getting over" anything. And if we move anywhere, it will be forward. No one moves on from losing a child.

But here I am doing the best I can. And even if that means I am a sporadic failure, it is all I can do.

I think for now I am just going to take this chaotic crap storm of bad things happening as a sign that maybe I just need to pause.

Maybe I need to breathe.

Maybe I just need to finish the novel I was working on and do what it is I do best-- being a mom and a writer.

If I have to make some money, I will find a new house to clean, and everything will be alright.

We have survived so much. We can survive this. I am not going to worry.

I love you guys, and thank you for letting me be me and letting me be honest. I really appreciate it.

Please keep praying for our world. Pray for our country. Pray for my family. Pray for me. Pray for you! And always always pray for my sweet Elijah.

Thank you.

Stay close my boogie.

I love and miss you so much.

Always. 

<3