Early blogging today, because I need to get stuff out of my head so I can get out of this funk and get stuff done. It's not serving anyone for me to feel like this.
Last night, outside of my brother and my brother's friend and family, my best friend, and a small group of sponsors for the party, NO ONE else came to my party.
I didn't write about it last night because I don't want to sound like I am looking for pity pledges, or pity at all. I don't need anyone's pity. I just need to be able to be open and honest about how it feel today.
I left early. I came home and cried and asked Levi why no one liked me. I bottled it all up inside and did a positive Kickstarter update and then stuffed my face with cheese and fruit from the party.
I prayed to let it all go. I cried some more and then went to bed.
Please don't read this and think that I am not thankful for the people who did come. I am so thankful for them.
But I felt alone. I feel alone.
Luckily I have a wonderful husband whose answer to "Why doesn't anyone like me?" was to point out that he and my boys like me.
And again, please don't think that I am not thankful for the people who care and are here for me time and time again--unconditionally. I am so thankful for them.
But this kickstarter has dug up so much grief for me.
The other day while I was preparing to email people I thought might be interested in helping, I went back to my "The Kind Knight" campaign to pull some email addresses of people who backed the campaign.
It made me realize that 90% of the people who backed me where people I worked with in Florida at that time. Although I never really "fit in" into the "leadership" part of where I was at Disney, I worked with some wonderful people that were excited for me and it felt amazing. I had a "tribe." I felt supported.
I remember being so big and pregnant with Elijah doing this last campaign and how naive I was about it all. Thinking that my very first book was going to give us all the money we needed just by existing in the world.
Then it just made me think about how happy I was in that moment. The endless possibilities. The hope I had for this new baby and my family. It felt like the world was alive.
Even after Elijah was born and we were in Baton Rouge during my maternity leave, I spent so much time on this damn book, just trying to make a better life for my family that I neglected to spend the time with Elijah that I should have. I was too concerned about the future that I wasn't enjoying the perfect baby and moments that were right in front me.
When things got hard and we weren't making money from the book, our bank account was in danger of being closed. Then I spent more time praying and looking for answers than spending time with Elijah.
I didn't know what I was supposed to do about the book. It wasn't making money and I was ignorant to the reasons why. I know now that I wasn't ready. I wasn't properly prepared.
So, we went back to Florida and I had to go back to work.
Then Elijah passed away.
I could no longer put any energy into The Kind Knight anymore, even though I tried every now and again. Every time I did, it hurt too much. I felt like that book had robbed me of the perfect moments I should have been spending with Elijah.
So, if you wanted to know why I haven't done anything with the book, that's why.
You have no idea how much courage it took to write the next books I wrote, holding on to the grief I felt over The Kind Knight.
Hi Little Sunflower was easy, because I didn't expect anything out of it. I just wanted to write a book for Elijah--so I did. That was enough for me. It did what it was supposed to do.
It took a lot of courage to even start Eli The Crawfish. But it pulled me out of the hole I was in from The Kind Knight and that little bit of courage opened the door to writing other books.
But anyways, this is not the first party I have thrown where people didn't come. I have experienced this since I was a child. I'm no stranger to this rodeo, but that still didn't make last night hurt any worst.
I was trusted with a beautiful space in our community. I was given a platform to do something amazing. And I stood there wondering the whole night, "What did I do wrong?" "Why aren't the people who said they were coming not here?" "Why don't people like me?"
But this morning I'm wondering if it is even me... Or if I am just opening up this can of worms to the wrong people.
But if that is the case--who are the right people? And where do I find them?
I made Elijah a promise, and I can't give up. It's too important.
But if you are judging my abilities based on my failures, maybe this will give you some insight.
I'm stepping away from the computer for a little while. I will be on Instagram tonight sharing the book for one hour only. 5-6pm central time.
Sending love always.
Thank you.
Can we just go back?
I want to go back.
I love and miss you so much.
Always.
<3
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