926: Sometimes Things Suck

It is 12:36pm.

Nothing says, "I love you self," like trying to take a nap, failing miserably at that attempt, and then shoving Little Debbie oatmeal creme pie cookies in your face for lunch.

Yes my friends, I am far from perfect. And even while I talk a lot about self love and mental health, I have the days where I struggle too. I have bad days. I have lots of them...I am human.

I don't want to adult today. I don't want to think today. I don't want to be here today. I would much rather be at the beach or somewhere else escaping reality--because sometimes reality is "hard."

Sometimes things suck.

Sometimes regret finds its way under your skin and you wonder if you should dismiss it because it really doesn't serve you to dabble in the past, OR try to f*cking learn something from it today so it might quit coming back to haunt you.

Sometimes I just want to punch something. Sometimes I want to scream.

Sometimes I want nothing more than someone to hug me and tell me that they love me.

Sometime I feel hopeless.

Sometimes I laugh..Sometimes I cry (lol. just kidding that is totally a Britney Spears song...)

Sometimes I am proud of myself for just holding on this long.

Then, my kid comes in and tells me about the dead cat he found on his walk and my heart breaks for everything. It hurts for the cat. It hurts for the person who lost it. It hurts for the person who hit it. It hearts for the Earth. It hurts for humanity. It hurts because of things people have said or did. It hurts because Elijah is gone and the ONLY way I can think to keep his legacy is alive is something that seems so hard to do today. It just hurts.

No, I really don't want to talk about it. I don't really want any extra attention. I don't want pity. I just needed to talk about it because if I don't, it only gets worst for me...

I'm going to drink a Dr. Pepper and try to message people on Instagram about my Kickstarter. I have to get out of here, and I have to do better for my family. If this doesn't work, I honestly don't know what else to do, so just send love and say some prayers.

Sometimes life is hard, but I'm not a quitter.

I want to be a light in the world,

one that shines so brightly for you.

Today I feel that light dimming a bit.

I know it is just a bad day,

I know it will get better.

But right now I miss you more than ever.

I love you so much Elijah.

Always.

<3