Levi and I just got back from our attempt at movie date night. We went to go see "A Quiet Place." We ended up leaving about 1/2 way through--so no worries I won't be spoiling the end for you, but I will be spoiling some of the beginning. You have been warned.
I wish I would have been too.
If you are not familiar with the movie, just know that it is about a family who has to be quiet because there are some sort of demon monsters on the loose that are blind, but have really good hearing. And they kill anything they can hear....including children.
The first character to die, quite early in the movie, was the youngest son.
That was pretty hard to watch, but I thought maybe I could still handle it, until the mother became pregnant--and all I can think is the baby, what about the baby, it is going to cry and I cannot take it if something happens to the baby. Suddenly this suspense movie became a real life horror in my head. I could not disconnect. I needed to know the baby was going to be safe.
After the mother gives birth, there is short instance where the dad comes looking for her and finds the spot where she gives birth empty and covered in blood. We are led to believe, like the father believes, that something has happened to both the baby and the mom. In those few seconds, I thought I was going to throw up.
After the mother and baby are found and moved safely to a quiet place, she talks about the grief she feels from the other son dying. She blames herself. And it was a hard moment to watch, but she talks about feeling him in her arms. How she should have carried him that day. Her arms were free...I could feel her guilt. I could feel everything she was saying.
Shortly after that, Levi asked if I wanted to leave, and then we left.
I think that the movie painted a very good picture of a family living in a desperate situation, and the grief from loosing a child, but it was just too much for me. Too much for Levi. I don't know if I will ever be able to finish it...and that is okay.
I'm going to go shove Krispy Kreme Donuts in my face now, because right now I'm not in the mood to be picky about sugar.
Sending you all love. I should probably get some sleep--after I eat my donuts and go cry in the bathtub. I just feel so hollow inside. I just want to be able to see a movie and have a date night with Levi. I just want my baby back. I feel like I am stuck in a similar Hell hole to this quiet place sometimes. I just want my old life back.
Please be thankful for every moment you get with your children. Quit criticizing and judging other parents and start helping each other raise these beautiful gifts together. We are so lucky to have children. Every day you have with yours is a blessing--make sure you know that.
Go change the world. Do it for Elijah.
Thank you.
Oh sweet boy.
I just miss you so much.
I'm so sorry I couldn't save you.
I love you I love you I love you.
Always.
<3
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