The days have been getting increasingly harder lately. I don't know what it is, what kind of bad vibe I am floating on, or what lesson I need to learn. I just hope it passes soon and I am better for it.
Camp did not go well.
I got excited about 2 hours in when I did not receive a phone call, but shortly into the 3rd hour, I got a call that Gabriel had a break down--and his break downs are not pretty. I quickly got in my car and headed to the City Pool where they were taking swim lessons. I cried and I stressed all the way there, not knowing how the counselors would handle him. He can be very depressive when he is having a hard time. And he can say some really mean things. I don't think he means any of it, but he lacks impulse control--and well that is all the answers I have for you right now. If anything, this was a sign that we need to stick with therapy.
So I get there, and he is crying, but calm. He says camp is too hard and some other things that I will keep between him and me, and I try to explain to the counselor while fighting back tears that it is not him who is saying these things--probably sounding a little crazy myself.
As we are walking off Julien starts crying about something and says he wants to go.
At this point I am so exhausted mentally and physically from all the crap we have experienced these past few weeks that I tell the camp counselor that we are done with camp. I said I thought we were ready but we aren't.
Then I came home and made my "pity" posts on Facebook, and thank God I did. If I hadn't have said how awful I felt about the kids having a meltdown at camp I would have still been alone with my fears and doubts. I would have missed out on ideas about transitional anxiety and how this was a big step for us and maybe just a tad bit overwhelming. I would have never thought about joining them tomorrow and trying to see if it helps for me to attend camp with them. If we don't open up about things like this, we miss opportunities for people to help. And I am so thankful for all the people who supported me and helped today.
So, tomorrow I go to camp. Am I looking forward to it? Honestly? No. Lol. I feel embarrassed for who we all behaved today. But my kids need to learn to get through the "hard stuff," and they need to know I am there for them no matter what. So, tomorrow I will tough it out and I will go to camp. I think there is even a field trip ;)
Wish me luck and send lots of love. I will need it.
And don't forget to change the world for my sweet Elijah.
Thank you.
Oh sweet boy.
Keep shining down on your brothers.
They need you.
I love and miss you.
So much.
Always.
<3
No comments:
Post a Comment