1007: Not Ready

It is 10:36pm.

This morning we asked Gabriel again if he was ready to go back to camp without Julien, he said no.

I know we are supposed to push their boundaries. I know that maybe Gabriel had the opportunity to see that he could do something on his own. However, I also know Gabriel, and know that if he says he is not ready, he is not ready.

Being a mom is much harder than I had ever imagined. I got pregnant at 19 and thought it was the end of the world. Turns out, Alex was by far the easiest parenting job I have had yet. Nothing prepares you for these overwhelming moments in life. Whether it is the death of a child, or the heartbreaking helplessness watching your child struggle with anxieties and depression. No matter how hard it gets though, it is always worth it.

Today my children needed me, and today I listened.

We went and picked up our van (yay!), brought the dog, and went to Driskill Mountain for a hike. We picked blackberries in the 90 degree heat. We picnicked outside an old church, and had Icees on the way home.

It's their life, and they deserve to enjoy it. Soon they will be facing a much colder world and those are the days I might not be able to step in and save them. I want them to grow up knowing that their mother is a safe space and trusts them, because yes, they do need a safe space.

I will continue to bring them to therapy, and I we will continue to work on discipline and healing. We will find other events to go to, and ways to work through their anxieties. I am working on getting them back to the MMA gym because they loved it and it really helped them with socialization, confidence and anger management.

But today the kids just needed to be kids. And to be really honest, I needed this day too. I needed to get away and simply enjoy my children. 

I am so glad I did.

Sending you all lots of love. Don't forget to change the world for Elijah.

Thank you!

Oh sweet boy.

I spelt your name on the top of the trail today.

I remembered you, like I always do.

I know you are out there changing the world with your love,

and I want you to be free.

Just don't forget to sometimes peek in on your family

and send us some love.

We love and miss you so much.

Always.

<3