Today Gabriel came and talked to me. He also brought up missing Bob (the cat), O.P. (the dog), and Elijah.
It is a little bit tougher talking to Gabriel about emotions than Julien, and we tend to get sidetracked a lot. But while I was talking to him, I realized that my kids never physically got to say good bye to Elijah. They left for school (or in Gabriel's case Disney World), and came back and their baby brother was gone...forever. That is super scary and sad.
Gabriel asked where Elijah's grave was. I explained that he doesn't have one yet, because we cremated Elijah. His ashes stay in his bag and he stays with his family for now. Gabriel wanted to see the ashes, so I took them out of the bag/box and placed the bag in his hands. It was sad, but at the same time it was very moving to see him get to hold Elijah. Of course, all of this is still kind of confusing for a six year old, but I think it is helping. After our conversation, we placed Elijah's things back in his bag, and Gabriel sat the bag beside him and watched videos "with Elijah."
I am open and honest with my kids. They know when I am having a bad day or a rough time. Today they respected that I was not feeling well and were really well behaved for me. I love that we trust each other, even when things aren't perfect. I lacked trust in a lot of ways with myself for so long, and it can be very heavy to carry that kind of emotion around. I don't wish that on anyone.
Today Julien also opened up a lot about missing Florida. He misses the hotel rooms lol, because we were all together, we had good internet sometimes and we most always had a pool to swim in. He said we were more fun then. He misses Sea World and Disney World. Mostly Sea World. He misses the fun. He misses our town house. He misses being happy.
While all this sounds kind of materialistic in some ways, for a child, all of these things can be very important. He is missing a life he had for a long time. He is missing part of himself.
I tried to counter balance the conversation with asking what he liked about Louisiana, and he said he really likes going to Granny's and seeing his cousins as Mammy's. I get that. He feels loved and accepted for who is in those places. It was a good start to being thankful for things around here.
We are not the perfect family. We all have hot heads, but we are working on it. But if I'm being honest, I miss some aspects about Florida too. I miss seeing my husband every day, and him being able to still go to the gym in the same damn town. I miss taking the kids swimming in the big pools and seeing how happy it made them. I miss the theme parks lol. I miss having fun. I miss being able to be me, flaws and all without feeling like a constant disappointment to the people around me.
The answers aren't all in Florida, I don't think. It was extremely expensive to live there and without pristine credit and a rather large income, I don't know where we would stay except hotels again. I would be okay with that except we have to move every 20 days and that gets old really quick. There were some rather heavy things to carry there too!
We have to just keep talking. It is important as a family. I am so happy the kids are opening up to me. They are my world. We will figure out this housing situation. I know without a doubt our time is coming very soon. Good things are happening. I have faith.
Sending you all lots of love! Have a beautiful night.
Thank you.
I love you sweet boy.
You don't know how good it felt to see you in Gabriel's hands today,
and how odd it feels to say that.
Your family has not forgotten you,
we never will.
We love and miss you so much.
Always.
<3
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