Grief sucks. It sucks the soul out of me sometimes. It sticks its nasty little fingers and twirls them around in my insecurities, into my relationships, and into my life. And I try to shine. I try to inspire. I try to change the world, but my God it can be so hard sometimes. I'm not saying my happy moments are fake or put on, I'm just saying they don't come easy. You have no idea how hard I have to try to stay "upbeat." I try to be open and honest about my emotions, but there are still lots of things I don't share...
These last few months I have just felt either overemotional about anything, or absolutely numb to everything. I am back on Gabapentin for "depression" or whatever is going on in my head. I've also started taking CDB oil. I have noticed a huge improvement in my mood--like I laugh and enjoy things and that is really nice. But, it doesn't erase the struggles I face every--single--day.
I'm tired. I feel like a big wave is headed my way. September is coming fast. I wanted to do something special for the anniversary of Elijah's passing, you know how I am. I would walk the whole earth to prove my love for that kid. For some reason I am obsessing in my head to go to Niagara Falls. Each year we release sunflowers in the water for him. Niagara Falls would be an amazing place to release sunflowers for Elijah, but we will make do with whatever we can do this year. I will find something special to honor him...
Anyways, just send love. I feel lost. I feel inadequate. I feel insecure. I feel heavy. I feel like a burden. And all I want is to have hope. I still have those days where I don't understand why all this happened. I still wonder what our life would be like if Elijah was still here. I wonder why...to well....a lot of things. Most of which I have no control over.
I don't know, but I know I need sleep. Tomorrow I am leaving for a weekend away with Alex and my parents. We are going to my aunt and uncle's 50th wedding anniversary.
Sending you all lots of love.
Go change the world. Do it for Elijah.
Thank you.
Why?
Send me love Elijah.
Send me guidance.
I love and miss you so much.
Always.
<3
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