Today, as I was doing some cleaning and organizing at my parents' house, I found some of my maternity clothes from when I was pregnant with Julien. I picked up the bag and I instantly knew what they were. It took the breath out of my lungs, almost as if I had just been slapped in the face. I didn't know what to do with them. Do I donate them? Or do I rebox them?
I quietly reboxed them, even though I knew I made the choice to never have another baby. Then I fought back tears as I shut the box of clothes I was never going to wear again.
I don't think I could ever handle another pregnancy or holding another baby of my own. I'm just not ready, and I don't know that I will ever be.
Before you jump and say, "You should try for it! You guys deserve another baby." Please know that, while I appreciate people's enthusiasm and faith for our family, right now is just not a good time... I don't know that there ever will be a good time, and that's okay...well it's as okay as it's going to be anyways.
Today was hard. And I know I am not supposed to look into the future, because that is how grief really swallows you, but if me choosing not to have another baby hurts, I can't imagine what it is going to be like to reach menopause knowing that my body will never allow me to have or hold another one of my own babies again, and I have no control over that.
It just sucks. Elijah was my baby and I just want him back. Why can't I just have him back?
Anyways, today was really busy, and I'm really tired. I think I am going to go to bed now.
Feel free to send love my way. I love you all.
Go change the world. Do it for Elijah.
Thank you!
I love and miss you so much.
I wasn't ready to let you go.
I don't know if I ever will be.
I want you to be happy.
Wherever you are, please tell me you are happy.
I love you I love you I love you.
Always.
<3
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