Saturday, March 23, 2019

1282: Suffering

It is 10:41pm.

I am still in this Lenten study...but today I am so tired....like mentally tired. I just read a chapter about suffering, and it just left me feeling like I have been punched in the gut. There is no answer to why people suffer. It is supposed to be a "mystery," because I am guessing that sounds better than... there is not a good answer. I don't know, but it just makes me angry.

I am not ignorant to other people's suffering. Suffering is everywhere. And it all just blows my mind and hurts my heart.

I used to not believe in Karma, so maybe that is the problem? It's my fault right? Maybe this is what I get for doubting Karma? I mean I have done some less than good things before, so maybe this is my punishment? I somehow manifested all this crap...But that still wouldn't account for the bad things that happened to me before I started to make bad choices....

And what about the good I have done. I have NEVER done it expecting anything in return, because I don't believe that doing good to get good things is even "good." I do good because if everyone did good, the world would be a better place and I truly want the world to be a better place. I like to help people. I like to make people feel good about themselves. I see a beauty in it. BUT if Karma exists, wouldn't I be "rewarded" at some point for my better choices in life, or the better choices I made once I decided to stop being a selfish brat in my life?

I hate that I don't have answers, and it feels like I never will. Sometimes I feel like knowing might help me feel better....other times I feel like maybe I don't want to know. Most of the time I just feel crazy.

I'm not trying to be depressing here, but this shit is so heavy lately and I have tried to push through it but not talking about it is only making it worse...

Lately I have felt like the hugest failure.

I am forgetful.

I am irritable.

I am angry.

I am stuck.

I have gained so much weight and it is not going away.

I am tired all the time.

I feel lonely even when I have people that love me close to me.

I have made decisions that have screwed my family over royally.

Sometimes I feel like my mere existence just pisses people off. When I just really am trying to breathe half the time.

I can't shake this fight or flight feeling that is overwhelming me. And I am trying to be strong for everyone and be a good mom and a good wife...but sometimes all I want to do is fall apart.

I don't feel like enough. I don't feel like I will ever have enough. My head and heart know something is missing in my life and I keep grasping at straws because I just can't seem to reach it. I miss Elijah so bad and I can't do anything that will make it go away. No matter how much I try to make the best out of things, it always comes back to this...

Then the self esteem issues. Oh my gosh, lately they are eating away at me. Not feeling good enough is a never ending Hell. It makes you want to push away the people you love, because you know that they could do better....

I know it is my responsibility to fix this, and I really need to work on it. But I have been so busy running from these ugly feelings in me that I have not really stood still long enough to face them--because honestly it is scary as hell. I don't like my past. I don't like some of the things I have lived through or some of the choices I have made.

I keep grasping for something to fill the void, some sort of busy work, just to see it slip through my fingers over and over and over and over again. I know this has to be exhausting for anyone on the outside to watch. I can't even begin to explain how exhausting it is on the inside.  I know it makes me hard to trust, or want to work with...but again, if you could only see what is going on inside me, maybe you would understand.

I am told daily by people that I look miserable, or seem angry, and how I'm not the same. But you know what? I'm not the same. Something in me broke, and the flood waters are just starting to go from a trickle to a flow. I know I'm not the most pleasant person and I apologize, sometimes I just feel like I should go somewhere far away.

Before you get all preachy on me, or worry...It's not something I can fix with a pill. I don't want to feel like this, and it is not something that I hope to feel forever. I'd honestly rather just put this out in my blog, get it out of my head, and not talk to anyone about it... I know that is strange, but it is what it is.

I'm not trying to seek sympathy here. I just have to get this out of my head before it eats me alive.

I am still breathing. I am still pushing through this. I am just tired. It is just heavy. And maybe I sound like a whiney brat, but it's not fair. It's not fair!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL this SHIT that I have gone through, and I'm truly just tired of it. Suffering can't be just a mystery...or for nothing.

I have so many questions that I don't know how to get it all out of my head: Is there purpose behind suffering? Why do I have to wait until Heaven to make sense of something that is happening RIGHT NOW on Earth? How do you let go of the times you have hurt other people? How do you forgive yourself? Why can't other people apologize and be honest when they make mistakes? How are people okay with being manipulative and hurtful? Why would God ever leave us to feel alone in this? Before you say he is here with me, then why can't I feel him? I have tried. I have done good. I am far from perfect, but I have loved with an open heart and asked for forgiveness...and here I am. So now what?

Maybe I just need to make peace with this mystery thing. Maybe I just need to find sometime to get away and search my soul. Maybe this will happen before I drive everyone in my life (including me) absolutely crazy.

I'm sorry for being so angry. Believe me, I'd rather not be. I'm sorry if I've been cold or hurtful to anyone lately, I'm just not doing so hot right now...that's all...I'm going to go hot mess cry in the bathtub and go to bed.

No matter how angry I am at the world, I really do believe that there are good people out there. I believe everyone has the capability to do good and love. A lot of us are just fighting battles we'd rather not fight. I get that. You are not alone. I am not alone. I love you all.

Go change the world. Do it for my Elijah.

Thank you.



I think the reason people don't speak about these feelings of grief
is they are far from pleasant.
We carry so much shame for things we have no control over,
and just try to cover up the things that come from our bad choices.
I will forever feel guilty for not being there for you that day.
I shouldn't have left you.
I don't know if I could have saved you, 
but at least I would have know that I was there.
It is so hard living without you,
even when I try to make myself so busy so I can pretend it is not.
I want to change the world for you Elijah,
but I have no idea how to do it when I am drowning in my own sea of grief.
Just know that I love you so so so so much.
I miss you more than I can even begin to put in words.
Always.
<3 








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