Prayers from an Orange Field...

In general I'm a pretty good person.

I have a big heart.
I love people.
I want to give.
I want to do good.

But I have had my share of stupid choices in my lifetime.

I say the stupid decisions started with lying to one of my first boyfriends and telling him I had cheated on him, when in fact I had not, because of some silly teenage fantasy to make my life more like "Dawson's Creek."

And you would have thought with the days laying in bed crying and horrible life lessons I learned from that mistake, that I would stay away from moronic decisions for the rest of my life.

But no, from I continued to be dumb and naive,  and let it lead to skipping a few classes in high school, and stealing a few outfits from big name department stores (sorry mom and dad...I love you).

As I grew older, I thought I would grow smarter.

I obviously wasn't skipping classes anymore. I had grown out of my very short lived "klepto stage," and was on to a pretty promising college career...until I got pregnant.

If you ask the 19 year old me who was sitting in the car crying over a positive pregnancy test and from pee in her eye, it was the most horrible thing that could have ever happened to me. (Note to anyone who ever takes a pregnancy test...please don't pee full speed and look down at the test at the same time...it can be a dangerous situation...lol).

If you ask the me that is a 30 year old mom of 3, it was a blessing in disguise that I wouldn't change for the world.

During my pregnancy, there were a lot of moments where there was hiding and there were lies. These lies came from a scared little girl who did not know what was in store for her....and I feel like that scared little girl is back.

(No. I am not pregnant)

But in the grand scheme of things, I am scared. I am scared that my life is passing me by.

I am where I wanted to live. I am working where I wanted to work. I am married with three beautiful boys.

Why do I feel this way? What is missing?

I have been praying a lot lately.

But I will be honest, and I have grown skeptical.

I feel nothing when I pray. I feel like I am just talking to myself. I feel like I am just building myself up, most of time for disappointment.

Does that mean I have stopped believing?

Absolutely not.

It's hard. But I still believe.

So today, I wanted to figure out where I am on on this spiritual journey in life.

I'm not really sure what it is about this orange field I pass everyday on my journey to and from work, but it really has drawn me into its beauty.

So today, while I was teaching a class at work, my mind drifted to that orange field and the idea that it holds the answers that I seek.

(OK, well probably not. But that sounds a whole lot more poetic than "it is a less chaotic place than my small apartment filled with screaming kids.")

So on the way home I stopped.

When I opened the door I was immediately greeting by a butterfly. So grabbed my camera. Here is what I found:

 So after noticing these little beauties, I decided to sit...and write.

First, I decided to write down a list of frustrations. Some of which I will share; some of which I will keep between me and God.

1. No money.
2. Working very hard for no money.
3. I miss my kids.
10. Sometimes I doubt myself because it feels comfortable.
13. I am scared of wasting my talents.
14. I know my life is better than others, but why does my life have to be so hard?
15. Why can't I just win the lottery?
16. Why can't I just open up to you (God)?
19. Why is it so hard for me to do my project, when it is doing good for others?
20. There are a lot of things I want, but I do not know what I want.
21. I am afraid I will not get to see the world.
23. I am afraid the world won't see me.
24. I am afraid of letting go.
25. I am afraid of letting life slip away.

Then I wrote a list of questions "for the Heavens."

1. Who is right? Or all of us who believe in some form of you right?
2. Will it really matter if we are right if you are "all loving"?
3. Do I have to give up everything I am to be the person you want me to be?
4. Why do bad things happen to such good people?
5. I need your help. Where is my miracle?
6. Why is it selfish for me to want so much, but it is not selfish for you to want everyone to worship you?
7. Are you with me right now?
8. What is my fascination with this orange grove?
9. What is it I am scared of?
10. Why do I feel I am missing something?


And then of course. I prayed:

I pray for openness.
I pray for understanding.
I pray for patience.
I pray for bravery.
I pray for acceptance.
I pray for change.
I pray for better.
I pray for hope.
I pray for you.

Amen.

Note: For those of you reading this thinking, "Oh my gosh...is Kelly depressed?"
No. No I am not.

I am simply just looking for more meaning.
For a better spiritual connection.
For more understanding.

I am not the most knowledgeable person when it comes to my faith. (And shame on me for that because my parents raised me in church and sent me to a private Catholic school for years). However, I think it is time to change that.

But I want to be honest. And in this honesty, I hope to find answers...not just for myself, but for those who might be walking a long wavering road to heaven and just want peace before they reach those pearly gates.

So I will continue to visit my orange grove in search of something great. And I hope to find it, and I hope you will continue my journey with me. (Yes, I know its not a church, and I am not trying to substitute church. It's just a place for me to have and unbiased look at what really matters and be quiet and still.)


Thanks for reading this incredibly long blog post!

Have a great night <3

Kelly Airhart