Everyone is still asleep... I have my "happy light" shining into my peripheral vision, and my vitamins and medicine sitting next to me as a reminder to eat something before taking the kids to therapy. I can't take my medicine on an empty stomach--even if I don't really feel like eating....
It's been a while since I've blogged. But this morning I woke up in such heavy confusion and panic that I needed a place to let it out...to be heard...to see the chaos in words. It's not like a whining or complaining thing. It's not a self pity thing...the writing just makes it feel less like a figment of my imagination. It makes it "real" to me, and easier to assess--I guess.
I've been wondering lately why exactly I made this big move. I wanted the big beautiful house. I wanted the thrill of a new place. I wanted mountains and the mma gym and a new start. I wanted help. I wanted good things for my children. I wanted peace. I wanted so many things, and perhaps the one thing I have learned about moving to uncharted territory is that moving doesn't solve anything if the conflict is within.
I am struggling so much with emotion and brain function lately. To be calm and to show up for my family is about all I can manage without falling apart--and to be fair, I don't always do that so well.
I got a message from a friend the other day that reminded me to "be still." And I know there is some importance to being still- but it is when I am still that I feel like the whole world is falling apart because I am not doing enough-- or I am not making enough money-- or I am not writing enough-- or I am not changing the world in massive ways --or I am not helping or I am not seeing the things I want to see-- or I am not doing the things I wanted to do-- or I am not giving my children all I wanted to give them.
Being still is really friggen hard for me. And being here, in this new place, with no clue what I am doing, is more of a stand still than choosing to be still. I can't run from myself.
As I learn more about PTSD I am learning more about some of the choices I have made. It scares me how much my brain has changed and how little I have had control over it. It is a very helpless feeling to know that not only I struggle with this, but my children do too.
I am trying to be a good mom and take them to the therapist and make sure they have the help they need, but this week alone, I have been at the doctor's or therapist's office tuesday-friday. I can't even remember monday at this point.
Making art has been good/bad for me. I struggle with focus and fear of not being good enough--even when I am pretty good at what I do, and am aware that I have talents that I should be thankful for. There is also the fear of wasting time on something that could potentially not make any money or won't support my family. That stress is not coming from anyone other than me--but I feel it so deeply.
I've thought many times that I had the answer, that I knew what would save us, or what would change things for the better--and being here has taught me how little I actually know. And it's not the physical place, like there is nothing wrong with this house or the area we are in--it's actually quite beautiful. It's being in the unfamiliar, the quiet, the lost space that I am having a hard time with.
I find myself longing for Orlando a lot lately, but knowing that the cost of living is so high there that it would just be another obstacle. I also hate myself for running away from it when I did, but I am learning that it was avoidance that I was seeking. Avoidance from the job and the life that I felt took my son away from me.
Last night I had a dream about moving there again. There was a "one month free" rental and some how we got approved and had just enough to get by. I remember feeling excited in the dream but also scared and guilty for giving up on having a house, having a trampoline, having a yard, having a cul de sac--having the American "dream home."
"Maybe we are not meant to be normal," my mind is racing now as I feel overwhelmed by the chaos that is swirling in my head, "What is the right thing to do?" "What would make my family most happy?"
My kids want to see California...and Hawaii... we are closer here...but we are barely making it so the cost of the trip would just drown us. I was naive and made them the promise that being closer would mean we could make those trips..and now I feel obligated to make them happen before and IF we decided to move again. We haven't really talked about it--moving....
I have 2 Christmas markets to prepare for, maybe a miracle will occur...maybe. I just feel like time is slipping away....
I don't know what I am doing...
I think that is the biggest struggle within. I don't know what I want or what to do. I do not have a straight track mind. I do not have focus or drive towards just one thing. My mind is always everywhere with endless possibilities. It's one of those, "it's a curse and a blessing," things.
Deep breaths... I have to get the kids up and ready for therapy so we can leave soon.
Sending love. Thanks for reading.
Go change the world. Do it for Elijah.
Thanks.
~Kelly
Oh Elijah.
I feel like time is just slipping away--
or it is standing still.
I am so lost.
I am so overwhelmed.
Nothing seems to make sense without you.
I miss you so much.
I love you more.
Always.
<3
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