I should be sleeping.
I am exhausted.
But then again, there are a lot of things that should be one way and aren't right now.
Today would have been Elijah's four month old "birthday."
This is the month you really get to start spoon feeding babies the cereal and start watching them really start to grow and develop.
It's hard to comprehend why my baby will never get to do those things.
I know someone made the suggestion the other day to not ask why, but to ask what next.
It's admirable I suppose to ask what next....however I do not blaming anyone in my shoes to ask "why?"
Why my baby?
Why couldn't this just be a death scare? We would have learned... We are good parents and we love our children dearly. Why did he need to be taken away from us?
Why can't I have him back?
Why couldn't it be me instead? I've lived a pretty full life. I just don't understand.
Maybe asking"why" won't do anything.
Maybe I won't have the answers until I go to heaven. And then I can only hope for peace and some sort of explanation.
Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I will say one thing, I have never looked at death so optimistically before.
Please don't worry, I am not suicidal. I do have my husband and other children to live for, and I obviously have some sort of reason for still being here.
But, I have never been so at peace with the idea of some day dying and being with Elijah again in heaven. Until then, it will be a long journey with lots of painful reminders of the beautiful beautiful baby I can no longer hold.
I am so hurt and angry.
I just want him back.
Oh, Elijah. It is for you I stay strong. I have to keep my promises to you and keep your name alive. I still believe in kindness. I still believe in hope. I am just finding it hard to understand why someone who tries so hard to do her best has lost so much. I could live forever without a house, or without my dream job, or other petty stupid things I have constantly worried about before. I don't know how I am supposed to live a lifetime without you. It will be hard, but I have to keep pushing forward. I love your dad, and your brothers and they give me what I need to make it. I will continue to do everything in my power to change the world in your name, because you are so so worth it. I love and miss you little man.
Keep on keeping on Kelly. Not having answers is really frustrating but maybe our brains could not comprehend them anyway. Can't help but ask why why why though, I know. I think feeling at peace with dying is okay after your loss but im so glad you recognize your love for your family and theirs for you. You are a brave lady.
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