a field of sunflowers

It is 9:12 am

I'm blogging early this morning as anxiety is high and Gabriel has tons of energy. So I took him to the pool and I am blogging between glancing to make sure he is ok.

He's actually playing outside the pool more than in it, so right now I have a little time to squeeZe out some thoughts.

First thought...I wish Santa would just bring me a house already. I know that it is not Christmas yet, and this is not how that works, but it would lovely if it did.

I just need some room for sanctityy and regrouping. I need space for the kids to be kids. I need a kitchen to get Alex back into cooking. I just need space. Nothing fancy. Just a house. And a yard would be nice too.

Second thought....a little less selfish....
I want to plan a retreat for this summer that encompasses the arts.

I want painting. Poetry. Writing workshops. Music. Dance. Expression.

I think the arts are a beautiful way to help deal with grief.

I am looking for artists who would be willing to donate their time to help. If you are in the Orlando area and can help or know someone who could help, please let me know because I need to plan now.

Third thought: I need to get a Christmas tree and make an advertisement in the paper. If anyone wants to help with either of these things. I would appreciate it.  I have to dish out $400 to get my tax exempt status and I was not prepared for all this to hit me at once... You can say I'm a dreamer...

I have contacted Wal-Mart about the tree...I am just waiting for a response.

Fourth thought: I miss him so much. This isn't fair. I keep hearing God is close to the brokenhearted. I just need help in so many ways it is hard to see. There are a lot of moments where it is almost too much. I pull through, but it is hard. It is so so hard.

I needed to vent, but Gabriel is back in the water so my eyes need to focus on him now.

Omg. You were so cute. I miss you daily. I hope you are still this sweet happy boy in heaven. 

Last night as I closed my eyes for a moment I envisioned a field of sunflowers with a beautiful sky of pink and blue. I thought it was amazing but it couldn't be heaven, because I didn't see you. Then I stretched my imagination and forced the thought of a version of you sitting and patting the ground ever so sweetly. 

I hope you are surrounded by such beauty and you can feel my love. I hope there are sunflowers in heaven and you think of me when you see them.

I hope you know that you are so important to me.

I love and miss you sweet Elijah.