fire and rain

It is 7:07pm

Earlier I went to take a bath and I put on Pandora...because sometimes sitting in silence is nice...but sometimes it's too overwhelming...

Anyways, I had it on my Taylor Swift radio and the first song that came on was "your not sorry."

Just reading those words on my screen took my breathe away (and not in a good way). I immediately skipped the song...because I am in fact...so so sorry...but sometimes I still don't feel like it is enough.

The next song was something like: "you should've stayed"...which also broke me down even more..

And then honestly I was so broken and so panicked I can't remember the next song I skipped to...but I remember the feeling of guilt and defeat.

So I switched stations...to my "build me up buttercup" station...it was the one I always listened to this summer with the boys...with Elijah.

The first song that came on was "fire and rain" by James Taylor....

I listened.

I always listen to this song...

"Wont you look down upon me Jesus,
You've gotta help me make a stand
You've just gotta see me through another day.
My body's aching and my time is at hand
And I just won't make it any other way."

I have known this song for many years, and I've always known these lyrics...but now I really know them...I know what he is talking about...the body aches...just getting through another day... It is all so real...

In the song he talks about writing a letter and the confusion of who to send it to...

All of these things are far too real.

There are beauty in words when you really understand them.

I have always loved this song.

I knew the lyrics long before Elijah passed away....

But now...now...I KNOW them.

Tomorrow is my first day going back to work again.

I am praying I make it through because honestly I am feeling pretty anxious right now...

Today was the last full day the kids and I will have together for a while.

We went to see a tiny home for rent and I wanted to scream at this guy for trying to pass it off as livable....

It was really cute on the outside, but the inside had one room, no separate bathroom, just a curtain...and it was dark...like really dark...

Anyways it obviously wasn't for us.

Then the boys and i went to an adorable publix in the college park area and ate lunchables in the car.

We were going to go on a hike in wekiva springs, but it was further away than I thought and we would have had to pay to go hike...which would have broke my no spending rule.

So I got this app that shows walking paths near by and we found one around Lake Eola.

I ended up having to break my no spending rule anyway, because I had to pay a meter to park...but it was only 1.50...and I had it in my change holder in my car already.

We had an hour and 1\2 to explore.

The kids really enjoyed it and I'm glad we got out.

There is something magical about being some where you have never been before.

There was all kind of interesting statues and structures. There was a playground and birds everywhere. It was nice.

But all I could think is I would have loved to bring Elijah here...

My empty arms have been hurting...

Anyways...I have to get up early tomorrow morning for work...and to get my powerball ticket.

Productive things I did today:
1. Looked at a place to live
2. Spent time with my children
3. Dedicated my miles to charity miles.
4. Talked to strangers
5. Took a nap (even though I hate naps and think they steal time...but I truly needed to
honor that my body needed it)
6. Got some groceries
7. Fed my family.
8. Wrote this blog.

This list is for me...not for show...not to boast...I just have this feeling lately that everyday is so important and I need to see proof that I have done something worth while...something with purpose.

Did I change the world? Probably not in a substantial way...but maybe just enough for Today.

For me...and for Elijah.

Hi my sweet boy.

Hi my little sunflower.

Hi Elijah.

Your brother always reminds me when I need it most that you are in my heart.

He loves to see your picture and talk about you.

I love and miss you much...