1117: 3 Lines

It is 9:18pm.

Today is the first day of Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month. I thought by now I would be some huge speaker, doing TED talks on infant loss and the grief that comes along with it. But here I sit at my little laptop blogging just the same as ever...

After several failed attempts to finding the "right" way to honor Elijah and his time here on earth, I'm not quite sure I will ever figure out anything great enough to ever satisfy that empty gap where he should be.

I was talking to my therapist last session about the parallel world I live in. There are 3 lines:

The good stuff.

Me.

The horrible stuff.

I live in that in between space. The middle line I guess. And I can jump back and forth between the highs and the lows, but most of the time all of this kind of exists at once. And I'm okay with that. Because at least it means I am feeling something and I'm alive.

It is aggravating, because even after I wrote that out just now, I don't even know if I can ever really explain what is happening in my brain and body on most occasions. And even if I could, I don't believe most people could even begin to comprehend what I was telling them.

And that is living with Infant loss, year four (so far) simplified.

I just miss my son. And no amount of high vibe, pixie dust, or whatever you want to call it will ever make that stop. Does that make me a miserable person? No. I don't think so. I think because of Elijah's short life I am blessed to see the significance life really has to offer us. I can also see what matters and what doesn't. I can see the value in the smaller things, and realize the gift of time with family. It is tragically bittersweet.

Okay, I didn't nap today, so I might be able to fall asleep at a decent time. Also, I think I have a stomach bug, so please send your love and prayers. I appreciate it.

Sending you all lots of love and hugs. If you have lost a child, please know that their life (no matter how short) mattered and forever changed the world we live in. They made an impact, and I believe we are all better for it.

Go change the world. Do it for Elijah.

Thank you.

Oh baby boy.

I miss you so much.

You are seriously the sweetest baby I have ever known,

and your brothers were some pretty fricken sweet babies.

I sometimes wish more people understood this pain,

but then I would NEVER wish this pain on my worst enemies.

You are missed beyond words.

Thank you for sharing your life with me.

I will never ever forget you,

nor will I ever let anyone else forget you.

You matter so much.

I love you Elijah.

Always.

<3