Blah...
It's been a long day. We brought Levi to Shreveport this morning for work...
I have been cranky most of today to be honest. Like really really cranky. I am just tired I guess, and starting to feel a little bit overwhelmed by all that I have going on. I have ornament orders I am catching up on, I have a website I need to finish for my books, and I have a retreat that is less than a month a way, and I still have spots I want to fill. I will be okay if I don't fill those spots, but I want to be more than okay lol, I want to be great.
I just need to breathe I guess....and maybe sleep.
Also, lately I feel like people feel like they can just walk all over me. Like they can be rude, or dishonest, or oblivious to the fact that I have personal space or personal time... or whatever the heck they want to me-- because they feel like since I profess to be "kind," that I have to be nice all the time.
And when I am not 100% chipper or pleasant, they get upset with me. Ughhh....
Can I just say that I am human too? Professing to be kind, and trying to set a good example in the world does not mean I am perfect. I have said over and over again that I am not perfect, and I have never claimed to be. I am not always nice. I don't always make good decisions. But that does not mean you can hold my shortcomings over my head, just because I am trying hard to be a better person and I want others to try just a little bit harder too.
This is not about something that happened today, or really about anyone in particular. I am honestly finding that even strangers have treating me like I am extra naive lately, or maybe I am just at my breaking point and I am just noticing it more than ever.
I am not a door mat.
I am kind. I am loving. And I am overall generally accepting. I don't judge people. There are very few people I just absolutely loathe.
I don't know what I am trying to get to here....
Just please, if you don't have good intentions for me, leave me alone. And if you can't say something nice, I don't want to hear it.
I will never be perfect or kind allllll the time. It won't happen. I can be really cranky. I can be rude. I have made some terrible choices in my life. But I am trying to be better each day, and some days it is hard just to get out of bed with the pain in my neck (literally) and the grief in my heart.
I have 3 living sons that need me first, and to be honest overwhelm me sometimes. The fact that they overwhelm me does not make me a bad mother. It makes me a mother with a lot on her plate...
And while I am trying to turn all my grief and pain into something beautiful, I am still living with grief and pain. And sometimes I feel like I am drowning in it.
I have a HUGE heart and I LOVE to help, so please don't feel like this post is about not coming to me for help. I LIVE for helping others and I feel honored when people talk to me about their struggles.
This is just about me standing up for myself, which I rarely do. Because I am really getting tired of people feeling like they can knock me over or take me for granted. Seriously my stress level lately has my right eye start twitching. I can't take much more.
I seriously love all of you, and I feel like I could sleep for a million years. Tomorrow will be better.
Go change the world. Do it for Elijah.
Sincerely,
Grumpy Kelly
P.S. I really do seriously love you all. Just because I am standing up for myself doesn't change that.
Oh oh oh.
How I wish you were here to snuggle.
Maybe you could make my grouchiness go away...
I love and miss you so very much Elijah.
Always.
<3
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