I've been struggling with self worth lately....like a lot... a lot.
Which really sucks, because I truly believe in loving yourself and self acceptance and that these two things are so very valuable. And I really want to help others find their self worth, acceptance, and love.
But I am human, which makes me fallible.
Today I watched a documentary about the book A Course in Miracles. I've heard of the book many times, but I've never actually read it. According to the documentary there are only 2 real human emotions: love and fear. And the ultimate form of love is forgiveness. This is a beautiful sentiment, and one I hope to be able to achieve the ultimate form of love and have a happy life, but right now I am struggling to forgive myself for so many things... and that also makes it hard to forgive others. Fear seems to be winning over love... in the form of paranoia and/or jealousy....okay okay, and an anger, rage, and a nasty attitude problem (sometimes). Remember that I have NEVER claimed to be perfect!
It sucks.
I have always struggled with self esteem issues. I just want to get past it and be better. I've said it, I don't know how many times, I really just want to be a better person. I am really really trying.
And I can. I just have to decide that love is more important, and that forgiveness is always the right choice....
Maybe I need to take the full course lol.
Right now, I need rest.
I spent the whole evening at the gym and then came home and really screwed up dinner. The gym was pretty nice...the dinner not so much lol.
I am asking for prayers and love tonight, that I choose forgiveness for myself and others. That I find the love that I so desperately seek. And that I do have the opportunity to let go of the past and become a better me.
Thank you always for your love and support. It means the world to me.
Sending you all lots of love.
Go change the world. Do it for Elijah.
Thank you!
All I want is for you to look down on me
and proudly say,
"That is my mom. She is doing great things.
I am so proud of the person she has become."
I love and miss you so much Elijah.
Always.
<3
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