Nightmares

It is 7:15am.

Nightmares came last night.
And with just a flick of switch, she switches.
Falling in and out of love...
with the person she is,
with the person she is becoming,
with the person she is today.
Anger seeps into every fiber of her being.

"I don't belong here!" she dares to speak, but it is as if the universe is deaf to these cries.
She needs space, space so far and wide if she were to scream, it would bother no other soul but her own.
She needs walls, to keep out the guilt trips, the lies, the manipulation, the hurt, and the feeling of "not being good enough" out, and the feeling of love and acceptance in. 
She needs grass beneath her bare-feet,  trees to speak to with all honesty and no judgement, wind to hug her when-- all-- she-- wants-- daily-- is --to-- be-- hugged-- and-- told, "everything will be okay,"

She needs to rise into the clouds above it all. Perhaps she could even lay on a fluffy white cumulus and feel supported by some heavenly grace she has yet to figure out.

This is no one's doing but her own. She knows she is responsible for her choices--but what a heavy burden to carry, for what seems like an eternity. Is there no end to this?

"But don't you love your other children enough to not talk so much about your dead son?" Plays in her ear like some bad country song on repeat.

"Why don't you just get a job?" so that the rest of society can feel okay about how you are living your life, even after sever tragedy and trauma.

"At least you have someone..." they speak to her as if she is not aware of what is in her life, while they clearly fail to see what isn't.

"Why are you like this?"

"You can't help others if you can't even help yourself."

"You just need to raise your vibe and be thankful. If you don't, you'll just continue to attract bad things."

Older and older she grows, slowly losing her young girl charm, body, and face. Becoming angry and bitter that the world didn't open for her, even when she grew up so naively faithful--thinking it could.

And people all around lie to the girl. As long as she doesn't know, it can't hurt her....right? She finds that to be a repeating truth that has played on in her life from day one. That is what she learned, that was how she lived for a while, what is happening now is surely karma.

The nightmares are far too real sometimes.

Illusions are never forever.

She just wants peace....whatever that means.