I have learned/read/heard that suicidal people can appear to be most happy just weeks before they commit suicide. A lot of times people are really in shock when a loved one dies by suicide, because they didn't seem "depressed." I am not in anyway about to support the thought or action of suicide, nor do I want to commit suicide--but I believe I know why they seem this way right before the end--they have a plan. And it is a pretty definite plan. Nothing can change the course of death. It is pretty final. In their mind, they have found one final answer to everything. The sad thing is, they are oh so wrong. There is absolutely no one answer to anything.... and their death usually leaves a multitude of problems that outweigh the problems of their life.
Sometimes in life, when things get heavy, we feel like we don't know enough, or we are not good enough. Many times we feel like we are not doing enough. When all of these thoughts and feelings come together, it gets overwhelming and it is easy to drown the giant sea of "lack of direction."
I have felt like I have been treading water a lot lately, barely keeping my head above water.
I signed up for some business classes that start tomorrow. I planned a move in May...because...well lately I have just felt so all over the place, and not myself. Something is "off." I've gained so much weight. I'm tired all the time. I snap easy. I am not happy where we are. I feel lost. I wanted a plan.
I know that sometimes we just have to let go and let God, or the Universe, or whatever is out there take the reigns for a little while. And I feel like I have done about as much of this as I can since Elijah passed away. I have to take charge now.
I have let myself completely fall into oblivion and scatter the ground with all my multifaceted pieces. I have had as much as I can take of staying still and letting my aimlessness damn near kill me on occasion.
Ok, so I need a plan. Hence, me stepping up for myself and doing this business course with supportive women. I need some sort of direction...Me planning a crazy move closer to the scenery and healing I crave.
I'm tired of being lost. I am tired of playing it small. I'm tired of not being who I really am. I am tired of being fat, and exhausted and unhappy. None of these things are me!!!
I know that when Elijah died, I lost a big chunk of who I was, and I might never get her back--but I also gained a shit ton of wisdom and heart, and I feel like I have just been playing it weak. I have been letting people walk on me. I have been not been doing enough for myself...to take care of myself. And I guess, I've let people down in the process... and for that I am truly sorry.
Even when I was young, I knew I was meant for something big in this world. I have asked for guidance from the heavens, now I know that it really up to me to happen. I just wish I had a little bit of a clue as to what that something big was.
Sending you all lots of love. Please know that you are loved and suicide is never the plan, or the answer. We will find something better together, if we just hang in there. I'm here with you.
Go change the world. Do it for Elijah.
Look at that smile on Julien's face.
I hope that your brothers grow up knowing I love them so much,
and that nothing on earth could ever change that...
even when I am missing you.
You are still a part of this family to me.
It gets hard sometimes Elijah.
I hope I am doing the right thing as a parent.
I had a heart to heart with Julien today and
I still think there is a lot of anger and grief in there.
He is so strong and smart.
He is such a fire cracker.
I just want him to know that he is loved so fiercely,
I hope I am a good mom.
Send him and me some love.
We love and miss you so so much.
Always.
<3
No comments:
Post a Comment