we are moving to alaska

It's 1:53pm.

We are sitting on the floor at McDonald's while the kids play.

My stomach is still killing me today.

I drove around this morning looking for a house to rent. I found 2. Both ridiculously expensive and then I would have to make 3x the cost of rent to even qualify.

I don't understand why it costs so damn much to live.

But then again... I don't understand a lot of things right now.

I told Levi i am just ready to throw in the towel and go somewhere else....anywhere else.

I am so mad at myself for ever coming back here.

I keep thinking it's going to get easier but now it is the hardest it has ever been.

I remember crying when we left Louisiana coming back after having Elijah. But the kids had a good school to go to and I had a job. Even though in my heart I didn't feel it was the right thing, my brain said it was the most logical.

I don't know if it would have changed anything to stay in Louisiana. I don't know that Elijah would have still lived. I don't know any of that. But I just know I am aggitated today and don't know how to feel like I still belong here.

I am just going to move to Alaska. (don't ask me why)

I don't want to leave. Levi has his mma training and the kids have school.

I just don't know how people afford to live here. And i don't want to have to work 50 hours a week to afford a home. I need time for Elijah and everything I am trying to do in his memory.

Blah.

I am just rambling now.

The kids need me. Its time to wrap this up.

Tonight I will be blogging a new letter on The Love Elijah page.



www.loveelijah.com

Beautiful Elijah,

I wish I could turn back the hands of time. But I can't. I just miss you more and more everyday.

I love you so much.