Better.

It is 7:45pm

Today has been another unproductive day.

I went to the store with my mom and I started a little art project, but I didn't get very far because I discovered how much I really needed a jigsaw for it...

But I might be able to figure out another way to do it later...

Anyways, I have been trying to plan our trip back to Florida and it has been stressing me out.

I don't know where we are going to be staying and I don't even know really what is going to happen at work because my temporary assignment ended and my permanent location is lifeguarding...and I don't think I can handle being a lifeguard right now.

I tried to perform CPR on Elijah when I came home that day to that horrible nightmare.

Even though I am sure I got there too late, and even though I know CPR alone rarely actually saves lives, I can't help but feel like I failed at it...

Also, I don't think I could handle a flashback during continual in service training...especially if we have to use the baby CPR dummies.

All this uncertainty kind of just makes me want to stay here.

But...before you chime in on that...there are many reasons for us to not stay here too...and I love Florida...I really do.

Just, I guess pray for me...because I haven't been able to do it lately.

I am going to go try and get my computer to hook up to the internet and catch up on Love, Elijah blogs...and make this day count for something.

Wish me luck.

Elijah,

In all this grief I am reminded of the good things I once had...

How even when my life seemed terrible...

It never really was.

Losing you had changed me in ways

 I would have never guessed it would.

I just want to be better.

Better for you.

Better for your dad.

Better for your brothers.

Better for the world.

Better for me.

I miss you so much my boogie.

I love you.

<3