It is Christmas Eve.
The kids are enjoying themselves with their cousins and the little gifts they opened tonight...so that is a nice little distraction from the huge gaping hole in my heart.
It's just not fair.
Elijah should be here with us.
But as much as I want to be angry and sad, I can't tell if it is peace or numbness that has set in.
If it is peace, it is only because I have done nothing but love and include Elijah in everything I possibly I can.
Even though he is not here physically, he is a huge part of this family and always will be.
I think though...that I am just numb and my heart is trying to protect itself from heartache.
I was going to write his Christmas card out tonight, but I think I will wait until tomorrow...it will be my time with him on Christmas Day.
Today I finally finished reading Roses in December... I also wrote more on my Love, Elijah book.
I feel hugely inadequate compared to the woman who wrote Roses in December, but I will try my best to write a book that focuses on journeying through grief in grace, hope, and love.
I want this to be one of the many gifts I give Elijah, even though I'd much rather be giving him a little present to open and watch him play with paper.
I really wish he was here so I could cuddle him to sleep right now. I just miss him.
I want to kiss his little cheeks like I used to...
Elijah,
Please know that tomorrow I am probably not going to be okay...
If you can, please visit your dad and me in our dreams tonight.
We need you.
I need you.
I miss you so much.
I love you.
Happy Christmas eve in heaven. <3
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