heartbreak hotel

It is 10:05pm

I am just tired of everything today.

I am not in the best mood. I miss Elijah now more than ever with Christmas around the corner and all these beautiful moms with their beautiful babies everywhere.

And oh I love babies so....

I want them to not make me cry.

But the thing is that I miss my baby.

I miss my Elijah.

I just want to hold him and he his mom again.

I feel like I am being punished for something.

Everything has gone awfully wrong and I must have done something wrong somewhere?

Nothing scared me quite as it use to.

There is no pain greater than this.

Childbirth was not a pain...it was a discomfort that was proceeded with a beautiful baby.

This pain I will carry for the rest of my life and I don't even know that Elijah will be kept in his baby form in heaven.

I don't know if I will ever get to hold him in my arms again..

I miss him so much.

I'm sorry for being such a downer, but I can't help but be honest about this...

Oh there are some other fits I could throw right now....believe me...and they are probably soon to come...but none of it seems worth it at this very moment because my heart hurts so much from losing my son.

Oh sweet sweet boy. My heart hurts because I can't hold you anymore. But none of this will ever be your fault and you have never done anything more than be that perfect little baby boy you always were. I am so proud of you and I always will be. 

I miss you so.

I love you my boogie.

<3