Looking for signs...

It is 8:31pm.

I am sitting in the glow of our darling little Christmas tree listening to the boys giggle and play in the other room, except for Alex who is sitting here playing with a mind bender puzzle.

I feel like I now live forever in a parallel universe.

The things that use to make me happy, either make me numb, or just slightly less miserable than moments before.

I feel like I can't even explain half the things I feel.

Sometimes I feel like I am just watching everyone else's lives play out on some sort of jumbotron, and all I can do is just sit and stare....if that makes any sense at all...

Anyways....

I took the boys on a hike this morning...I think nature has some sort of magical healing power sometimes...

I looked everywhere for signs from Elijah. I always do. If you thought I was a space cadet before, you should see me stare at the sky now.

I honestly think I am just not in a good place, because even if he showed me any signs...I was blind to them.

However, I did take this video, and in it the light is playing on the stream right in front of me, and at the end  it began to dance all around me.

The funny thing is, I did not see any of this, until I got home and watched the video.

While I was filming, all I saw was a pretty little waterfall that was making beautiful sounds.

The video is only 1 minute long, and the best part is at the end...please watch all the way to the end.

I want so badly to believe it is Elijah. I just wish signs were more black and white sometimes...

But either way, it was a beautiful moment.

I also took this photo and it made me think of another baby in heaven--Elijah's friend Eleanor. <3

Also, another really beautiful moment. 

I just miss my Elijah so much, and I would give anything to hold him again. I don't think there will ever be a day I don't miss him.

Oh Elijah,

Sweet sweet boy.

I have been thinking of what to get you for Christmas.

Nothing will ever be enough, 

but I was thinking of naming a star for you.

It's not something either one of us can hold, 

but it will shine bright for you

and maybe we both can see it???

I love you more and more everyday.

I miss you always.

You will always be my baby. 

I will always be your mom.