A Season of Anger

It is 9:05pm

I am trying to research family doctors in Orlando...if anyone knows a good one, that is somehow cheap, I really need to go.

I have been having tight chest pains all week and I think its stress, but it has progressively gotten worst and I have had some stomach pains too....so I guess I should get it checked out...

I am just weird about doctors and medicine...

I try to stay away from taking any kind of medicine if possible...

Anyways, I am kind of freaking out about it all, so please say a prayer for me or keep me in your positive thoughts...

The last thing we need is any of our health to be in jeopardy...and Levi is already having problems with his shoulder and is going to have to go see a doctor.

Blah...

Now that I am done with that...

I want to stop and take a second to acknowledge the kindness of strangers.

Today I remembered that my amazing sister in law had given me a box of cards as a Christmas gift.

They were all sympathy cards...which to some might be weird, but for me it was a perfect gift...because I am striving to make positive outreach in the childloss community.

Anyways, I wanted to start mailing them out. So, I saw this post of a mother in a support group and something clicked in me and said message her...

so I did.

I had messaged her to ask if it would be okay to send the card...

but something way better happened.

We had a conversation.

And she got to unload, and I got to unload...

I feel like we both needed that moment.

I hope it helped her, because it really helped me.

So thank you "kind stranger" I really needed that venting session...more than you will ever know.

Blah....so much to say...but it is probably best that took a break from this blog and vented some more to Levi when he got home from the gym...

Apparently I needed to vent a lot today. Apparently it is a season of anger...

I miss you Elijah.

I miss your little smile.

I miss that little frown you would give me when I put you down-

as if me holding you fixed everything then...

like it would really fix everything now.

I don't think people realize sometimes how lucky they are...

I certainly didn't.

It sucks that you aren't physically here with me.

It sucks that I have to vent to total strangers because 

I am afraid sometimes to say things to people who have upset me 

because right now the anger and pain are raw. 

And even though I am going through hell, I am still trying my hardest to be a little bit considerate of other people's feelings...even when it is really hard...

It just all sucks.

I would give anything to have you back and have the problems I thought I use to have.

And I am so angry that there are people out there who have so much and are so ungrateful for it.

I am angry that there is less compassion in the world for those are hurting.

I am so angry that people just tend to push those who are hurting to the side, because it is much easier to carry on with your own lives and ignore it than to try and help--because God help us all if we actually got a little uncomfortable now and then...

I am angry that I can't make more of a difference right now...

and I don't know that it will ever get better or that people will ever really care.

I am angry 

I am angry because apparently that is a part of grieving and I have to feel this crap..

I am just angry.

So shine down on me my boogie. I need you so much. None of my anger is at you. You did nothing wrong. Your little life was so short, but so perfect...no anger at all there.

I love and miss you....always.