Sea of Tears

It is 9:36pm.

I would give anything not to have to go to work tomorrow. Not to send the kids to school and just be together.

I can't stop crying right now.

I am a mess.

No need to haul me off in to a mental hospital This is just what it feels like to lose your child.

Today I learned of two other members of separate sides of families passing. Please send prayers for both these amazing women and their families they left behind.

It sucks.

I can't catch my breath.

I am drained but at the same time completely restless.

I honestly just want to jump in my car and drive...

Climb a mountain...

Hike in a forest...

Just get away.

I want to take the kids and show them the world.

I just want to go...

I need an escape from reality, because reality is not playing fair...

BLAH!!!!!!

I am just tired of feeling like misery all of the time. I am tired of missing Elijah and just "having to" stay strong. I am exhausted from merely living my life...

I'm sorry for being such a downer, but my current mood is pretty disastrous.

Just keep praying...I guess.

I haven't seen a difference yet, but only God knows what he can do for me, and maybe right now, it is just that he is merely carrying me through all of this and keeping me alive for my husband and other children...

And always pray for my Elijah.

Elijah I want to go back...

take me back.

I would take the "pain" of childbirth any day over what I am feeling right now.

I would almost say that this was the closest to heaven I had ever been.

You and your brothers have brought me such joy.

And you are never what brought me sorrow.

Death brought me sorrow.

Loneliness brought me sorrow.

Emptiness brought me sorrow.

Not you.

You are still my joy.

You always will be.

I love and miss you my boogie.

<3